I think so hard about it, and I’m flooded with so many thoughts, that the task becomes daunting, and turns my spark of an idea into a chore of a project.
I collect pictures, I jot down my little ideas, and like the picture above so accurately portrays…I think.
Contemplation is probably my strongest asset, and I would say my biggest curse.
I can stay locked in my head, and anticipate so many potential events, that it, in a sense, entraps me.
But I’m no shriveling wallflower. And I’m more an action oriented person–once all that thinking ends…after so many months haha.
I complain a good deal on my blogs. It’s my medium to vent. So for a complainer, like myself, to post this…
Well, I can honestly say it’s bit out of character. At least for the me that’s existed for the past five years.
And what exactly have I been experiencing in the past five years? I’ve been this bitter, complaining, cynical, and very angry person for the better part of half a decade. Geez, when I think about it, it’s a little depressing. But contrary to what many might think, I needed this period. To express all that pain, guilt, resentment, all the repressed emotion I’ve held for 25 years…all of it! Because keeping it in me was reeking havoc on my health!
But, I’ve emerged the other end, and I’ve reclaimed myself. It’s still a process, and I still lapse back into that bitter Marian, but for the most part, I’m on the whole happier, and healthier. Why, you may ask? That’s simple…I have love in my life.
David. My very sweet David. A friendship of 10 years, two of which became a deeply committed relationship.
It’s because of David that I believe in soul mates.
It’s because of David that I’ve healed.
It’s because of David that I was able to bring myself out of this five year hell hole I dug myself in.
David is the reason why I feel love in my life.
Our relationship is no where near perfect. We both have our psychological hurdles and mental blocks that we face, but the difference now is that we face it together, helping each other, supporting one another.
The only unfortunate thing about all this is, for now, our relationship is long distance. Me in California, and David in Georgia. But, despite appearances (and the gigantic distance), our relationship is stronger because of it.
Communication is BIG on my list for a life-mate, and David–whether he’s tired, frustrated, what have you–is always willing to talk. He listens and tries to understand. That to me, that is worth more than a million mansions, or even a million dollars (although I’m sure he’d contest lol….if only we had a million dollars!)
We talk for hours. Sometimes we don’t talk at all, but simply hearing each other breath on the other line–knowing that the other person is right there–is all we need to ride the huge gap of time we experience between seeing each other. Although it’s been rough, I’ve experienced more joy and contentment with David in a long distance relationship, than I ever have with any other person.
For the first time, I finally feel like I have a life long companion.
My best friend, who became my boyfriend, and who will soon become my husband. I could not have asked for anything more. In fact, it’s the very thing I have been dreaming about all my life, and after all the heartache, and many failed (and might I add, short lived) relationships, I’ve finally found David.
Other than the open communication that we have, David’s humor is something else I absolutely LOVE about him! Humor is another huge characteristic of our relationship. And while I may be wailing at him, yelling at him for passing his usual gas (I’m sure he’s killed several bugs within his vicinity, just from being assaulted by his silent, but deadly killer), or the ridiculous bugs in his room, or his seemingly half-baked dialogue on the phone (video games suck 90% of his attention…more like 99% of it), he, in the midst of it all, will crack one joke, and I’m forced to crack a smile. David simply has that effect on me. Moment of tension is gone, and I’m trying my hardest to remain angry at him–and he’s smiling to himself, smugly, with his soft laugh (which I love!).
I’m also grateful for the love I’ve already experienced with David, and I’m excited to see where our future will lead us.
Love is different to each and every one of us. For me, it’s being with David, and all that it entails. I love you baby 🙂
When I really think about it, I don’t encounter this moment very often, and so the rarity of them make it all the more pronounced.
I’ve come to realize that all this rage and bitterness I’ve been experiencing on and off in the past few years should be seen more as a blessing, and less as a nuisance and huge blockade in my life. It never dawned on me to just channel all this pent up frustration, depression, hurt feelings, trust issues, you name it, into something more creative. Something positive, for a change.
I don’t know what kind of form that would come in, and I unfortunately don’t know how to play guitar or piano to really hone all that in, and start expressing how I actually feel.
I sometimes wonder how others seem to live such relatively peaceful and happy lives. It’s as if they have nothing weighing on them. No thoughts buzzing in their heads, making them hate to face the morning, dread talking to people, fear the reactions of a certain strange psychologist or department heads (long story).
It’s like they go around, feeling…happy! And we’re talking the majority of the time.
Whether they are extremely creative peeps, I can’t really tell you. They certainly seem more grounded and content, and often the very driving force of a creative individual is to eventually reach that state of satiety, after having just expressed one’s idea, emotion, invention even.
Satiety, that’s what it is. I never quite feel full with life. It’s like I’m nibbling on the crappy end pieces–the rotting ones–and trying to savor any sort of flavor, and never feeling the full satisfaction.
I’ve been following Meghan Tonjes on youtube, and she has been such a breath of fresh air! Someone that I can absolutely relate to. She not only sings (BEAUTIFUL VOICE!), but has also dealt with issues of obesity, and discusses the “interesting” responses she gets from people catching a glimpse of her larger figure on youtube.
I personally feel that Megan is, by far, one of the bravest chicks I’ve encountered on the internet (not to mention loaded with talent). She doesn’t seem to let the negative feedback of others over take her life, the way it has mine. Her commentary is full of humor, intelligence, and I absolutely enjoy all the songs she releases on youtube.
Megan has somehow managed to channel all her energy into something so creative and beautiful.
I’ve always rebelled against the crass and insensitive treatment of others, and have found myself miserable trying to combat them, and simply trying to get rid of anything that leaves me inclined to think depressing thoughts has only invited more of it. The very thing I was trying to get rid of in the first place!
I nearly missed the gravy train, so to speak!
I never thought to just take all of that pain and hurt and try to express it in something creative, like music, or writing.
Writing is a double edge sword for me, since I do write plenty in my blog, I find that I don’t feel as much relief or therapeutic effects as I do when I simply sing. And I LOVE to sing. I love that way it makes me feel, the buzzing in my head when I hit that right note, as I’m singing the most beautiful lyric. Nothing compares, and nothing brings me more joy.
I don’t know if I’ll ever release videos the way Megan Tonjes does, but she’s helped me realize that there is a way to deal with all the muck coming at you…sing about it. Write about it. Be creative. Make something that is yours, and that is what I fully intend to do.
I don’ know how to play piano nor guitar, so the next few months are going to be interesting, to say the least. I’ve already started to shopping around for a new guitar, and I’ve got my eye on a Yamaha down at bestbuy. A gorgeous 160 dollar acoustic beauty, including bag, picks strap, extra strings, and of course, the DVD to teach you how to make beautiful music 🙂
I’m also going to invest a good amount of some yet to be had hard earned cash into a state of the art terrain elliptical machine.
I did the gym thing, and well, with gas prices the way they are, and time being most precious and expensive quantity that is most certainly NOT at my disposal, hashing out 1200 dollars for home exercise equipment seems (at least for myself) to be the wiser decision.
And, I’ve taken on the grand project of fixing my sisters old laptop that went caput about 2 years ago. I’m so excited to take it apart, and really see if I can actually fix it!! So exciting! 🙂
This summer is just full for me, and I’m loving it. Truly 🙂
So yay for channeling! This is far better than sitting and moping about my life. I want to have fun, and do something worth while for me! It’s about time!
I had the pleasure of watching a very unpretentious biochemist (and trust me, those are far and few between) go over the following in detail. In a rather natural and very humanistic way, Chemist Kary Mullis discusses how to attach a molecule– that typically triggers our immune system to consume it–to a a deadly virus like anthrax, and thus, completely eradicate it. You would never guess that this guy was such a brilliant Chemist, but he’s got a rather down-to-earth approach to it all. I loved his explanation. He had a few funny and effortless quips here and there. He’s just plain cool. Period.
So here it is folks. Smile, and feel and experience the subtle awe 😉
Call me MarMar.... 