I’ve always managed to shackle myself to other people’s expectations. Even at the age of 33, I still fall into my own entrapment when I’m simply trying to gain some semblence of acceptance around my peers. Believe it or not boys and girls, the whole popularity contest bull shit doesn’t end. It just gets a little more subtle as you get older, but the end result is always the same. It’s high school all over again. Ugh…it’s exhausting!

But frankly, I don’t want to to focus too long on the negative aspects of social bureaucracy…it’s annoying, depressing, and not something I want to associate myself with any longer.

I’m sitting here bobbing my head to Drakes , and I start to realize how often I’ve held so much of myself back with the people I thought were friends, all for the sake of pretense. It was more a paralysis than anything I was consciously aware of. As if a part of my personality completely shut down when I was around others. And I never quite fit in, regardless of my efforts.

But I’m listening to music, bobbing my head like an idiot, singing to myself, and I am completely in my own element. Don’t get me wrong…I understand that these private moments to ourselves is something that most people wouldn’t ordinarily share with others. And yes, I understand that who we are alone, and what we portray to others when we’re around them, are two very different persona’s.

But I’m so sick of hiding myself. I’m just over it. It’s been more to my detriment, than anything else. It’s kind of made me miserable, to be honest with you.

This new year’s new mantra is becoming “Fuck Pretense!”

Let’s see how this year fairs. Last year was full of epiphanies and life changing experiences that I have yet to share on here. I’ve taken a rather long hiatus from blogging, but I’m itching to write a lot more frequently. So much in my head…got relieve that pressure cooker before it all explodes in the worst possible form. Till then…