I’ve always managed to shackle myself to other people’s expectations. Even at the age of 33, I still fall into my own entrapment when I’m simply trying to gain some semblence of acceptance around my peers. Believe it or not boys and girls, the whole popularity contest bull shit doesn’t end. It just gets a little more subtle as you get older, but the end result is always the same. It’s high school all over again. Ugh…it’s exhausting!
But frankly, I don’t want to to focus too long on the negative aspects of social bureaucracy…it’s annoying, depressing, and not something I want to associate myself with any longer.
I’m sitting here bobbing my head to Drakes , and I start to realize how often I’ve held so much of myself back with the people I thought were friends, all for the sake of pretense. It was more a paralysis than anything I was consciously aware of. As if a part of my personality completely shut down when I was around others. And I never quite fit in, regardless of my efforts.
But I’m listening to music, bobbing my head like an idiot, singing to myself, and I am completely in my own element. Don’t get me wrong…I understand that these private moments to ourselves is something that most people wouldn’t ordinarily share with others. And yes, I understand that who we are alone, and what we portray to others when we’re around them, are two very different persona’s.
But I’m so sick of hiding myself. I’m just over it. It’s been more to my detriment, than anything else. It’s kind of made me miserable, to be honest with you.
This new year’s new mantra is becoming “Fuck Pretense!” Pretense is the real vice
Let’s see how this year fairs. Last year was full of epiphanies and life changing experiences that I have yet to share on here. I’ve taken a rather long hiatus from blogging, but I’m itching to write a lot more frequently. So much in my head…got relieve that pressure cooker before it all explodes in the worst possible form. Till then…
Most people do what’s expected. Which is how it should be at times…in other words, I expect that when I’m talking with you, you don’t pull out a gun and blow my brains out. This kind of societal control is good…for painstakingly obvious reasons.
Then there’s the societal pressure to treat people like shit, simply because you either (a) can, or (b) follow what others are doing. The two aren’t always mutually exclusive.
So there’s two schools of being, if you will. You’re either feeding into the group mentality, or opposed to it.
The third school of thought is rarely encountered. That’s the individual who essentially spends most of their time alone, in reflection, in deep thought…while disconnected from the often trivial rules of society, they’re not too removed from society. This gives them insight an clarity over what’s commencing in today’s world. Priests, monks, buddhist…the enlightened ones, they fall into this category.
I seem to run into a lot more of the “us against you” mentality. The one’s belonging to the first camp. And the you I’m referring to is none other than yours truly…me.
I’m not going to make false statements about how I don’t care, and that I’m beyond that sort of petty annoyance, generated by equally petty people.
But, being human, affords me emotions, and as a painful human consequence, I do care…a lot.
At the risk of sounding sappy, and well, weak…it hurts to be the odd one out. The person that others are spreading rumors about. That others are trying their hardest to push down, defeat…destroy (ok,, ok, was a little melo-dramatic right there).
But it makes me wonder, while I’m in my stupor. I’ve got tears streaming down my face because of the rejection I feel, and and I start to ask myself…are they threatened? Am I an easy target? Where does all this animosity come from?
For the most part, I’m discovering that, well…people can be real assholes. In fact, astonishingly enough, most of society is composed of dickish, opportunistic, crappy people, governed by fear, insecurity, and this incessant need to be accepted at any cost.
In a nut shell–people suck.
But there’s always exceptions…those that linger on the fringe, so to speak. The periphery of society…where they don’t get suckered into into the peer pressure, despite the risk of losing friends, or making enemies. They do what’s right, every time. They defend the others around them, when the moment calls for it.
I try to be that person, and because of that, understandably, I’m not the most popular, nor am I the most liked.
I don’t play along when someone decides to spread gossipy rumors about another person that are usually untrue, and almost always damaging to the person they’re about.
I never go with the status quo, if that means ostrasizing someone else, or doing anything that would remotely hurt others.
And I am a nice person. Kind…almost to a fault. I’m honest (to a fault…and I can also be hurtful when I’m honest, but my intentions are usually good).
No, I don’t have a halo, and god only know how often the fangs come out…but the majority of the time, my default mode is general being nice and approachable.
I’ve gratefully met others like me.
Some know how to better manuever the shark infested terrain of hurt, insecure, and semi-sociopathic peeps out in the world. They know how to deal, and how to gracefully pull themselves out of a perplexing, and often toxic situation.
I’m still mastering that art at the moment.
In the meantime, I’ll take comfort in the fact that there will be others out there that have a beating heart, and that live in the awareness of their own short comings, in such a way that gives them a greater understanding of the people around them. It’s what keeps people humane, tolerant, and understanding. It’s what maintains harmony. And that’s what’s been maintaining my sanity.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve departed from my tumultuous 20’s into what’s supposed to be a more comprehensible 30’s…but I’ve definitely experienced yet another of my myriad and unexpected paradigm shifts. Ya know the type…where all of a sudden the lens you were looking through in life completely switches on you. I’ve had several of those in the last 7 years alone. Don’t even get me started onwhat I went through when I first graduated college…*cringe*
My ambition for certain goals in life has definitely been reassessed as a result. Strange to say that as a result of relinquishing myself from lofty goals, I’ve managed to sustain this peaceful resolve…and dare I say, I’m actually happy. *gasp*
Merely passing was never good enough…I needed to MASTER it! (i.e. I needed to be the shit…and not shit at it, so to speak)
But, in my pursuit of such ambitions, I ended up accomplishing (or not accomplishing, I should say) the very opposite of what I was trying to achieve. Let me tell you…nothing can be more frustrating…or devastating.
In short, folks…I was absolutely miserable.
Now, only until a short time ago, I was still writing posts about the exams I was getting mediocre grades in, even failed attempts at studying, etc.
Now…I’m just happy to get by.
There are some tinges here and there, however. Remnants of the old ambitious me. Always having something to prove. Have too much, in fact.
Damn America and their individualistic, go-getter ideas. Being opportunistic is considered a sin in other parts of the world, ya know.
And I finally get it.
I’ve been the unusually shaped peg, trying to fit into the round and all too perfect hole.
I’m just not that perfectly shaped peg. I am not that perfectly predictable and awesomely amazing person. I am just…Marian.
Not smart Marian. Not weird Marian (although I have my moments *groan* ugh…the awkwardness of it all :-/). Not scholastic Marian. Not pleaser Marian. Not ____ Marian.
To sit in a room and just be…heh, what a concept!
This particular paradigm shift is proving to be most…peaceful (for lack of a better word). I’m riding this wave for as long as I possibly can, since a clarity as a sweet as this is something that’s to be relished. I’m relishing it…putting it on all my hot dogs and sammiches 😉
Remenants of the old me still pop up…and they trip me up every once in a while. But I’m right back whereI left off. In happy-ville. In between I-don’t-need-to-try-so-hard and being practical-is-awesome-in-and-of-itself 🙂
And on that note, considering it’s past midnight, and I have a physical chem midterm I need to continue studying for tomorrow…i’ll bid my readers (all 15 of you) a good night. I may write more on this topic, when I’m not in this deleriously sleepy stupor I’m in…
Sometimes the anxiety in your life just keeps building and compounding in on itself. You say to yourself “you’re ok,” or you simply try to ignore the feeling. But the nature of anxiety doesn’t quite let up that easily. It’s relentless in its pursuit to make you feel as nervous and as unsure of yourself as possible.
Especially when things are not quite going your way. Despite how hard you work, and regardless of your good intentions or good deeds…good karma just isn’t quite finding its way to you.
When all that just gets to be too much, it only takes a sobbing character on a show like Glee, to get you to sob uncontrollably…snot, and all.
In all honesty, sometimes you really do have to just cry it out. Releasing all that tension, surprisingly enough, feels really good after. You were so tense before all this, then you let the tears pour forth…and you suddenly feel a little lighter. The situation hasn’t changed. You’re still overwhelmed. But, at least you’ve felt some release from the pressure cooker building in your mind.
I think I’ve come to a couple realizations in all this. While I would love to do well with whatever it is I’m working so hard in, I can only do my best…meaning, after that, it’s out of my hands. Hard work doesn’t always equal to huge success. So, that equation in my life needs to be discarded, and fast.
There’s also no point in succeeding at something, or not succeeding for that matter, if you’re miserable the whole way there. I enjoy what I study, but I’m not necessarily amazing it. I have at tendency to fixate on my performance, rather on the reasons why I went into science in the first place. Is it really about being brilliant? Or perhaps it’s about how curious you are about the world. I’m hungry to know and understand, but that does not necessarily have to correlate to excellence or mastery. I may just well be the slowest in my class, but I am thorough…isn’t that what it’s all about, anyways?
Whatever the case, I suppose I’ll continue to have these crying sessions, until I fully accept my limitations, and embrace my reasons for pursuing science, and my fixating more on my own personal strengths.
But lets get a couple of things straight here…
Truth: I am not the smartest, nor am I the quickest.
BUT, I love to learn, and can be a pretty damn good teacher. I also ask the right questions, and what I lack in mastery and quickness, I make up for in insight and ingenuity. I may never be the best at what I do, but I don’t know of any major discovery that was every really founded by a person who had the highest IQ. Not even Einstein.
So, all in all (as my sorry excuse of an English professor has so exclaimed) tears lead to other things beside release. They lead to acceptance, resolve, and a willingness to move beyond. I suppose that what Zen must feel like. If only temporarily 😉
When I really think about it, I don’t encounter this moment very often, and so the rarity of them make it all the more pronounced.
I’ve come to realize that all this rage and bitterness I’ve been experiencing on and off in the past few years should be seen more as a blessing, and less as a nuisance and huge blockade in my life. It never dawned on me to just channel all this pent up frustration, depression, hurt feelings, trust issues, you name it, into something more creative. Something positive, for a change.
I don’t know what kind of form that would come in, and I unfortunately don’t know how to play guitar or piano to really hone all that in, and start expressing how I actually feel.
I sometimes wonder how others seem to live such relatively peaceful and happy lives. It’s as if they have nothing weighing on them. No thoughts buzzing in their heads, making them hate to face the morning, dread talking to people, fear the reactions of a certain strange psychologist or department heads (long story).
It’s like they go around, feeling…happy! And we’re talking the majority of the time.
Whether they are extremely creative peeps, I can’t really tell you. They certainly seem more grounded and content, and often the very driving force of a creative individual is to eventually reach that state of satiety, after having just expressed one’s idea, emotion, invention even.
Satiety, that’s what it is. I never quite feel full with life. It’s like I’m nibbling on the crappy end pieces–the rotting ones–and trying to savor any sort of flavor, and never feeling the full satisfaction.
I’ve been following Meghan Tonjes on youtube, and she has been such a breath of fresh air! Someone that I can absolutely relate to. She not only sings (BEAUTIFUL VOICE!), but has also dealt with issues of obesity, and discusses the “interesting” responses she gets from people catching a glimpse of her larger figure on youtube.
I personally feel that Megan is, by far, one of the bravest chicks I’ve encountered on the internet (not to mention loaded with talent). She doesn’t seem to let the negative feedback of others over take her life, the way it has mine. Her commentary is full of humor, intelligence, and I absolutely enjoy all the songs she releases on youtube.
Megan has somehow managed to channel all her energy into something so creative and beautiful.
I’ve always rebelled against the crass and insensitive treatment of others, and have found myself miserable trying to combat them, and simply trying to get rid of anything that leaves me inclined to think depressing thoughts has only invited more of it. The very thing I was trying to get rid of in the first place!
I nearly missed the gravy train, so to speak!
I never thought to just take all of that pain and hurt and try to express it in something creative, like music, or writing.
Writing is a double edge sword for me, since I do write plenty in my blog, I find that I don’t feel as much relief or therapeutic effects as I do when I simply sing. And I LOVE to sing. I love that way it makes me feel, the buzzing in my head when I hit that right note, as I’m singing the most beautiful lyric. Nothing compares, and nothing brings me more joy.
I don’t know if I’ll ever release videos the way Megan Tonjes does, but she’s helped me realize that there is a way to deal with all the muck coming at you…sing about it. Write about it. Be creative. Make something that is yours, and that is what I fully intend to do.
I don’ know how to play piano nor guitar, so the next few months are going to be interesting, to say the least. I’ve already started to shopping around for a new guitar, and I’ve got my eye on a Yamaha down at bestbuy. A gorgeous 160 dollar acoustic beauty, including bag, picks strap, extra strings, and of course, the DVD to teach you how to make beautiful music 🙂
I’m also going to invest a good amount of some yet to be had hard earned cash into a state of the art terrain elliptical machine.
I did the gym thing, and well, with gas prices the way they are, and time being most precious and expensive quantity that is most certainly NOT at my disposal, hashing out 1200 dollars for home exercise equipment seems (at least for myself) to be the wiser decision.
And, I’ve taken on the grand project of fixing my sisters old laptop that went caput about 2 years ago. I’m so excited to take it apart, and really see if I can actually fix it!! So exciting! 🙂
This summer is just full for me, and I’m loving it. Truly 🙂
So yay for channeling! This is far better than sitting and moping about my life. I want to have fun, and do something worth while for me! It’s about time!
At the start of this year, I was most worried about the decision I’d have to make with the schools that I thought would accept me. So much fanfare, discussion, and the “Oh God, I just don’t know…what if I get into both schools?! Oh geez…I wouldn’t know what to decide.”
Well, yesterday, the decision was basically made for me. I was–anticlimactically–only admitted to one.
As of Fall of 2011, I will be going for my second Bachelors in Chemistry. A nice compliment to the bachelors I already have in Physics…or so I’m trying to convince myself.
But a gigantic “you failed” is still blaring in my mind. I did not get into the Masters Bioengineering program that I had been pining and praying for. So much for the sacrificial lambs, and ritualistic burning of virgins. (that was supposed to be a joke…really).
Honestly? I’m sad.
And…well, since we’re on the honesty kick here…I don’t even know if my admission standing for my second bach will even remain, if I don’t manage to do amazingly well on my final for my Biochem class.
I suppose I wouldn’t be as worried, if this god awful class that I study for (hours on end, I’d like to add), and still can’t seem to get beyond a failing grade, wasn’t in the way.
But all that stress aside, and the depression I’m beating off with a stick, I have this image in my mind of the kind of life I really want after I finally get through all this mess I call “the residual of my 20’s.” In short, I want a balanced life.
I want to be one of those women that feels in touch with herself, her surroundings, and the people around her, so much so that she exudes peace.
I know…a lofty ambition, but I now know I don’t want to be that in- control, know-it-all anymore. Not sure If I was ever really like that, but it was usually stated by lesser beings (i.e. insecure and rather crappy individuals, that had an ego so large, it was its own singularity).
But I’ve always had this aspiration to take-charge, to know more, do more….to be more, because I just wasn’t doing enough. In essence, I wasn’t enough of a person. Period.
I know now that this attitude needs to change entirely. I want to feel like I’m just enough, and to have an acceptance of myself that reverberates to every other part of my life.
I want every moment of action to feel like a meditative act.
I don’t want to be a fighter anymore. I just want to live.
All this “I won’t give up!” and “I’m gonna kick some ass!” is, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed…the manic trying to gain control of her life.
But is life really supposed to be this hard? Does everything have to be so agonizing, and require so much impossible effort?
Why can’t I just enjoy my life for what it is?
There are some women who seem so content with just knitting sweaters, and writing blogs. It’s amazing to me that such a simple way of living, can bring so much happiness and peace in someone’s life.
But I can’t seem to just do that. I feel my brain is near atrophy when I’m not doing something that pushes my mental abilities to the very brink.
I need challenge! I crave it! I search out for it, hunt it down…or go so far as to create it. It is the unrelenting drive to always do more, because, well…I have to prove it (whatever the hell it is) to myself and to the others around me.
But, I’ve finally come to this conclusion: I don’t want that life anymore. It’s brought me a lot of sadness, and misery. I want to just wake up, get my day started, and just live my life, enjoying the moments, working a job I enjoy, with people I’ve formed close bonds with. It’s more than just achieving anymore…
I want my life to be full of love, tranquility, and balance in every possible way.
I want to enjoy the view for a little while, instead of quickly run past it, without its due acknowledgment.
Yeah, I know life has a lot of responsibilities, and we don’t always have the time to stop and smell the roses…but what are we really living for? What’s life, if it’s not the amalgamation of all the experiences you have throughout your lifetime?
Career will come, yes, and I’m sure I’ll work some job, doing something important, and hopefully thoroughly enjoying it, while being quite good at it (yeah, well, a girl can dream…or at least aspire to).
I want my life to be full and balanced. I want it all, but I don’t mind it being (or coming to me) in measured doses.
In other words, I want the husband (which my stubborn southern will most definitely oblige to), and the family….if that only means one child, I will be happy with that.
I want a career, and hopefully a Phd (DO/MD…who knows) that leads to that career, and I don’t mind taking the time out to get to that point, but at the same time, vacationing…living it up (so to speak), and enjoying my short 100 year existence in the process.
I don’t want to be frantic, or running around, trying to achieve something for the sake of achieving it (did that for too long). The achievement should be in the very being of it. In other words, I do it, I work at it, and it naturally becomes…so to speak.
I want to take better care of my appearance, and not dress in the same old and drab black shirt, jeans, and mussied up afro I call my hair. I want to wear long flowing skirts and dresses, and be feminine….but of course, to ge to that point, I want to also lose weight and BE HEALTHY.
What I’m driving at here is this: I want my balanced life (as opposed to wanting my life balanced–huge distinction here). I want to enjoy my life. I want more good than bad…tip the scales in my favor. And while I’m sure my metaphors aren’t matching here, I at least know that balance does not mean to do good and bad. It just means to live life sensibly, without madness, chaos, or massive dose whoop ass to get through the day. Zen life…with a twist 🙂
Call me MarMar.... 