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Kindness of a vegan

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"Vegan Justice" by xgaiax

My vegan conversion has not exactly been an overnight success.  But, the issue at the moment is convenience. While there are certainly more vegan friendly food alternatives to choose from, when you’re out and “aboot” the day, trying to get your errands done, going to class–what have you–the act of stopping for a few moments to fix yourself something to eat that’s both satisfying and healthy is just plain inconvenient.  I’m that girl that will quickly get a .99 cent cheeseburger from a local Wendy’s, and scarf it down with a diet coke and half cold fries without a second thought, while I’m driving and applying make-up (yes, I’ve done it–we so cal-ions are talented drivers).

But, I will not hang on to the slew of excuses that I am an expert at creating.  I gave myself a year to make the conversion. That is plenty of time.  And if I don’t convert in exactly a year, I know it will eventually happen.  I just have to stick to it.

My sole reason for this life changing decision was to reap the emotional benefits that vegans preach on a daily basis.  But lately, the only emotion I’m feeling is bitterness, and perhaps some depression (I suppose that’s more a state of mind, than an actual bona-fide emotion).  I feel like I complain and mope around far more than any healthy and able bodied human should.  I’ve already cursed God during my prayers to him (I know, I know…bad Marian!), and I’m trying very hard to push away the bitterness and anger that’s been settling in.

The reality of the situation is that it’s so easy to be happy and content when life is going your way.  It’s also very easy to become angry and bitter when things are not. I want so desperately to feel at peace in any situation…when life is exceedingly good, supremely bad, and all the boring and mundane in between.  I want to literally smile from the inside out.

In truth, I don’t like the person I become when life isn’t as peachy-keen as I’d like it to be.

I’ve come to grips with a certain truth about myself: I am that person that turns a mountain out of a mole-hill. I over-react. I freak out (literally).  I also begin to blame others–my family, my friends, the crappy traffic, the weather, my stubborn southern (i.e. boyfriend), my professors, that crappy TA–to find some sort of relief.  But the irony of it all is that I don’t feel any relief.  Not the slightest.  I feel worst because of it.

I have friends who go through more trying experiences, and still seem to hang on to a healthy attitude.  They’re happy the majority of the time despite what may be occurring in their lives.  And miracle of all miracles, they don’t blame or take it out on others. Now that’s class. I’m very blessed to have them in my life, because I learn from them…or I try.

Now let me state for the record that I don’t necessarily act on the thoughts I have.  I will still be nice to you, but underneath that facade of niceness is a seething undercurrent of anger, resentment, and hurt.  And not necessarily because of you…I just learned, through years of mastering the art of repression, to keep it to myself.  And yes, it has served me well, but in instances like what I’m going through now, I’m realizing that having these feelings in the first place isn’t much of a virtue, regardless of how I cope with them.

Enter Victoria Moran!

Her name sounded familiar when I was exploring my beloved iPhone app “Be Vegan.”  Which, much to my pleasant surprise, was free!  Actually, it’s wonderful! (understatement of the century–it’s freaking AWESOME!) Most vegan apps for the iPhone, designed to aid you in your journey to veganism, are essentially free.  And they’re FILLED with resources.  One of them being video’s that help promote a vegan lifestyle.

“Be Vegan” was promoting a two part interview series with Victoria Moran, discussing and advocating  a charmed life of kindness (as the title suggests) that is a natural consequence from living as a vegan.

I find it funny that just minutes prior to stumbling on these videos, I had just prayed to God (more like cursing up a storm, and demanding to know why everything’s been difficult lately–I know, I know—bad Marian!).   Feeling dejected and frustrated, I find part 1 of the video (shown below).

I watched it, and I wasn’t sure if it was Victoria’s pleasant and insightful outlook on life, or if it was her pleasing demeanor, but I began to feel…better.

I have a tendency to place impossible demands on myself.  I throw myself completely in anything I pursue.  And while some may argue that such devotion is a recipe for success, it’s only set me up for disaster.  I won’t get into the details (have been masterminding an entire series of blogs devoted to this topic, among others–watch for it! :)), but extremism like what I described can’t last for long.  It’s a balanced lifestyle that prevents burn-out, and careful preparation (i.e. intention) that helps you brave any storm that may come around–and they do come!

Victoria Moran’s lifestyle change to become a vegan was not something she imposed on herself by force.  And in fact, she honestly stated that it took her 30 years (30 years!) to become a high-raw food vegan (which is exactly what I’m aspiring to).

Victoria never once mentioned willpower, or discipline, or any other–what I consider harsh and forced forces–people tend to impose in their lives.  She simply stated that to feel better about your body, and yourself, and to have the “option of choice,” that becoming vegan opens that possibility up for you.

Victoria also mentions a new release coming out in Jan of 2012, called “A Good Karma Diet,” and you better believe that I’m marking my calender!

Now, I know this does not sound in the least bit scientific. And the skeptical scientist in me is cringing at all this, but I’m reading between the lines here (my stubborn southern may beg to differ ;)).

So, as warning to all you realists out there, who feel any talk of spirituality is offensive to your senses, just watch with an open mind.  I will make sure to provide more resources in the future.

I’ve taken the liberty to provide the 2nd part of the interview.  Enjoy 🙂

Family, Father, Friends, Life, Mother, Sisters

Fragile, we are

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"Shattered" by janosnovak

Resentment has a funny way of creeping up at the worst times. The weight of it can shatter whole relationships.

What’s worst, however, is when a family member chooses you as their target for hate, violence, anger, and just an all around vicious attitude…because of resentment.

You try to determine what went wrong.  You make every effort to rebuild a relationship full of support and love, but it’s always thwarted by them.

They don’t want it. They want nothing to do with you.  In fact, they wish you weren’t around in the first place.

That’s hard to hear, given that you’re still not sure exactly why they feel that way towards you.

“What did I do?” you ask.

“Everything is your fault!” they shout back.  “You’re always judging me, criticizing me, telling me what to do!” they go on.

You kind of stare at the them in bewiddlerment, because despite what they seem to so vehemently believe….NONE OF THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

And then they get mean. Real mean. And then, you snap.

I think a human being can really be pushed to the brink of psychosis.  I’ve never experienced that myself—the psychosis bit–but I was close (no, not that close). I get it now.

I’m what you consider the punching bag of the family. I was the eldest, and the heaviest of my sisters, and for whatever reason, I was treated as if my emotions were as thick as the fat on my body.  It’s not…not even close…not even in the slightest.

I’ve forgiven my parents. I’m letting them make amends.  It’s a process, it’s not always easy, but we’re trying.

My sisters, however, the dainty little flowers that they’ve always been treated as, were afforded far too much, and because of how I was treated by my parents, they simply took on those behavioral patterns…and so I was treated badly, as a result.

I state this so matter-of-factly, but there is a lot of resentment there.  An entire universe of it.

What strikes me is that I’ve been chosen as their sole target for resentment as well.

Let me state exactly. I have two sisters, both are contributing citizens to society, both (I’m sure) are good people.  But one is cruel, and one is trying to treat me better.

This post comes on the heal of a fight I just had with the cruel one…and we’ll refer to her as Dr.Cruella (can you guess why?).  The other I will refer to as Mother Theresa.

Three sisters. We are not close.  Not from my lack of trying.  I’ve tried.  I’ve tried very hard.  But you can’t build a relationship, with all that garbage in the background. All that stink.  It permeates every facet of our lives.

My parents tried.  In their own meager way, they tried. And they made whoppers of mistakes along the way.  They kind of remind me of children that never really grew up.  They were around abuse as well.  With my dad almost killed by the beatings he would receive from his dad. It doesn’t surprise me that their development was arrested at a certain age. My mom acts like she’s still a 12 year old, and my dad…barely having left 7 years.

My mom was always the pretty girl, and didn’t really know what to make of me.  I was the heavy child, and I remember from the age 5, being put on diets, and distinctly being aware that I was a fat girl.

Stress of moving from another country took its toll on my parents.  I’m sure our family unit would be very different had I been raised in Egypt, but we move to the land of opportunity, as so many foreigners believe.

So much opportunity, and possibility…anything can happen.  That doesn’t mean that anything would be a good thing.

I saw, heard, and endured a lot.

I have friends that try to be sympathetic when I tell them my story. You, my dear reader, have not even gotten the top of the iceberg. My friends have been wonderful, and great therapy for me. But even they will suppress the urge to roll their eyes, when I get into another of my personal diatribes. I love them still. I understand.

But it’s the resentment that kills relationships.  I’m sure I could have just simply avoided fighting with Dr.Cruella.  But resentment is also like a train that has no breaks, once it passes through, you can’t stop it…until it’s too late.

I’m beginning to accept my family as they are.  I’m also making peace with never developing any relationship with Dr.Cruella.   In fact, that decision was made for me, when she not only acknowledged the fact that she knows she’s awful, but that she does not care to work on any kind of reconciliation.  It hurts to hear it, but there really is nothing else I can do. I can’t make amends with a person I haven’t wronged.  She has her issues, and sees her therapist and takes her meds. Everything she’s supposed to do, and still…

I remember reading that you should never give up on loving someone.  But if someone like Dr.Cruella only seems to bring pain in your life, and regards you as a lesser being in their eyes, I think for the sake of your own sanity, you just let them go.  Even if they are your sister, mother, brother, and especially your friend.  There are so many people in this world, friends who have loved me, and cared for me more than my own family has.  There is nothing else to be done.

I hope she finds a way to work through whatever it is she’s coping with.  I unfortunately do not have warm and fuzzy feelings towards Dr.Cruella, and while I do not wish her harm, or failure, I do not care wish her anything else.

Shattered it may be with some, but that’s why we marry, and bear our own children.  We create our own family units, and hope that we do it right.  I just hope I learn the lessons of my mother and father, and a couple of my own.  My family unit, while I’m sure not perfect, will be full of love, acceptance, and support.  And that’s all a person can ask for.

That’s all I ask for.