Category Archives: Intelligence

Balance, Intelligence, Life

Sometimes, you just have to cry it out

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"Crying on the sky" by fish-wings
"Crying on the sky" by fish-wings

Sometimes the anxiety in your life just keeps building and compounding in on itself.  You say to yourself “you’re ok,” or you simply try to ignore the feeling.  But the nature of anxiety doesn’t quite let up that easily.  It’s relentless in its pursuit to make you feel as nervous and as unsure of yourself as possible.

Especially when things are not quite going your way. Despite how hard you work, and regardless of your good intentions or good deeds…good karma just isn’t quite finding its way to you.

When all that just gets to be too much, it only takes a sobbing character on a show like Glee, to get you to sob uncontrollably…snot, and all.

In all honesty, sometimes you really do have to just cry it out. Releasing all that tension, surprisingly enough, feels really good after. You were so tense before all this, then you let the tears pour forth…and you suddenly feel a little lighter. The situation hasn’t changed. You’re still overwhelmed. But, at least you’ve felt some release from the pressure cooker building in your mind.

I think I’ve come to a couple realizations in all this. While I would love to do well with whatever it is I’m working so hard in, I can only do my best…meaning, after that, it’s out of my hands.  Hard work doesn’t always equal to huge success. So, that equation in my life needs to be discarded, and fast.

There’s also no point in succeeding at something, or not succeeding for that matter, if you’re miserable the whole way there. I enjoy what I study, but I’m not necessarily amazing it. I have at tendency to fixate on my performance, rather on the reasons why I went into science in the first place. Is it really about being brilliant? Or perhaps it’s about how curious you are about the world. I’m hungry to know and understand, but that does not necessarily have to correlate to excellence or mastery. I may just well be the slowest in my class, but I am thorough…isn’t that what it’s all about, anyways?

Whatever the case, I suppose I’ll continue to have these crying sessions, until I fully accept my limitations, and embrace my reasons for pursuing science, and my fixating more on my own personal strengths.

But lets get a couple of things straight here…

Truth: I am not the smartest, nor am I the quickest.

BUT, I love to learn, and can be a pretty damn good teacher. I also ask the right questions, and what I lack in mastery and quickness, I make up for in insight and ingenuity. I may never be the best at what I do, but I don’t know of any major discovery that was every really founded by a person who had the highest IQ. Not even Einstein.

So, all in all (as my sorry excuse of an English professor has so exclaimed) tears lead to other things beside release. They lead to acceptance, resolve, and a willingness to move beyond. I suppose that what Zen must feel like. If only temporarily 😉

Happiness, Intelligence, Life, School, work

Eager beaver, and it’s painful cousin: when is eager, too eager?

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"Excited"
"Excited"

I ponder the question, as I drive away from my job site, wondering what precisely I could have done to prevent from rubbing-wrong the secretary of the school I worked for today.  I was polite, respectful, apologetic when I needed to be, and made sure to follow the rules and ask for assistance when need be.  And yet, despite all my good intentions, I still managed to anger a rather impatient secretary.  I guess you can’t win’em all.  But the question still begs…when is eager, too eager?  When do I know I’ve crossed the lines of politeness into obnoxiousness?

Let’s face it–there are people who just don’t give a rats behind how respectful and polite you are to them.  They blame you for following the rules, and blame you for bending them as well. Today’s incident was just such a case.  But I’ve often found that the altogether touted advice “show eagerness and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there!” is just plain bad advice! It may have worked in the eager-beaver days, but in today’s society, that kind of advice will only get your trampled on…hard!

There are some cold hard truth’s I’ve stumbled upon in my travails of work-dom. They are sad, and often frustrating, but they are the axioms (and banes) of all hierarchical work places, and so I break them down in the following:

Truth 1: not everyone in a position of authority is competent enough to be in said position. They’re usually there because they’ve–as I’d like to call–domineered (and yes, that is a word I made up) their way into such a position. In other words, they’re bossy, and so therefore elbowed, shoved, and well…basically stampeded their domineering ways to the top, so to speak.  True ability, or competence are completely independent of such a rise in position (although I doubt being a secretary is much of anything, other than big heads, with a penchant for busy work–no offense).

Truth 2: while you may know every stupid rule and policy there is in said organization, and try to implement them in the most feasible and reasonable way possible, do not expect the person of higher power (i.e. secretary) to know such policies in as equal of  intricate deatil, or be fair enough to allow you to implement them.  Their over-used “well just deal with it!” when you know that is NOT possible is something you just have to, well…deal with. *sigh*

Truth 3: you usually may not have done anything wrong when you approach groucho-to-the-max about a particular policy that was not fulfilled (i.e. in my case, a lesson plan that was no provided for a class that I was subbing for, and thus was ill prepared for what I would be required to cover for the day).  Your reasons may be sound and justified, yet you may still run the risk of putting your job on the line for every time you make someone of power aware of the error (despite the policy that MANDATES you report every time such a thing happens, or else you run the risk of being written up–do you see my dilemma here?).

Truth 4: the nicer you are, or the more eager you become, does not translate into well received responses.  Happiness annoys bosses.  Aloofness, a challenging and knowing stance, and an all around attitude of “I know your shit, don’t mess with mine” is generally accepted and not tread upon by such corrupt people in said positions of power. They’re cowards at heart–they won’t ruffle feathers with someone that can basically kick their proverbial ass.  They only mess with the eager weak one’s 😦 *tear*

Truth 5: don’t count on karma to get your boss in hot water.  Granted, it may be easier to wait and let them brew their own storm, and essentially dig their own grave. However, if you’re feeling like your very rights are in question, and you’re being trampled on for no good reason, then report them ASAP! Don’t wait for a better time to come, because chances are, they’re preparing their strategy to elbow you out.  So beat them to it.  If your job situation is so hostile that you can’t simple approach your boss’s boss about the abuse, call for reinforcements–the union! If you have no union, then leave the job and find a better one.  I know in an enconomy such as this, a claim like that will render a scoff at best, and a “fuck you!” at worst.  I’ll tell you this, though: the stress of constant put-downs, and being chronically abused by an employer simply because they don’t like you is no healthy haven for anyone. It’s simply not worth it.  Get a better job.  You will find something better.  You deserve better.

Does the following look familiar? Poor Dilbert. Poor you!

Yeah.  NOT worth it.  The cost of being eager…tres sad. But I will discuss this eagerness issue in the next blog. Till then, my beloved peeps!

ADD, Blindness, Contentment, Cure, Cures, Curiosity, Depression, First Love, Fulfillment, Hope, Illness, Inspiration, Intelligence, Learning Disabilities, Life, Love, Mental Blocks, Motivation, MS, Mutiple Sclerosis, Optic Neuritis, Organization, Passion, RRMS, School, Science, Self help, Suicide, Understanding

Give the one up (and the finger) to failure…I’ve got hope, baby!

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"Hold on Hope" by numbpurplehaze

Four letters.

H.O.P.E.

*Disclaimer: Many inappropriate uses of the French language.  You’ve been warned!*

I don’t believe in the easy life.  I don’t think anyone has ever had it easy.

I’m usually the complainer. The one that feels sorry for herself. The one that cries and gets all emotional. The one that stuffs it, and keeps it all to herself, scared–no, petrified–to admit to others how I truly feel, and I pay the price in the end. I can be a whiner.  And while I have been told that I’m an extremely nice and sweet person, I can also the biggest bitch in the room. Irate. Irrational. Mean. Shitty. Just all around nasty person to others that have hurt me.  You wouldn’t guess it just by looking at me. I can also be obnoxious, and strange.  You’ll roll your eyes because I’m scared to go down escalators (fallen down too many stairs to risk falling down one of those). I may come off as needy, and a little desperate.  Sometime I’m pushy, and sometimes I’d just prefer to follow.

One thing that I am NOT, however, is a quitter.

Even now. I almost threw in the towel. I almost just wanted to throw my biochem textbook in the trash, after seeing yet another failed exam grade, and just give up on school.  But I didn’t.  I won’t

I NEVER WILL.

Despite it all.  Despite my strange learning disability that I am still trying to make sense of; despite the fact that I may actually have Multiple Sclerosis, and am just lucky enough it’s manifested in the mildest cognitive symptoms; despite the fact that I’ve been denied admission to graduate school in the past; despite the fact that I  may be failing my biochem class that I spent many, many, MANY hours studying for, and never managed to even score the average on a single exam; despite all THAT, I am going to keep moving forward.

I remember reading a good friends blog (you may want to check it out:  www.mybluescreen.wordpress.com, I’ve taken the liberty of posting one of my favorite blog posts she’s written about this very topic, just hit the <– button at the end of this post), that had a lovely little phrase she’d shout out to whatever obstacle–be it mental block of shitty person that gets in her way– and that phrase was a simple FUCK-IT!

FUCK -IT that if I’m not doing well in my class.

FUCK-IT if I don’t get into the masters program for bioengineering.

FUCK-IT if things don’t quite work out…right this second.

Just like all those songs that are sung by every soulful africana out there…”you ain’t gonna stop me from doin’ my thang…mmm hmm, heallllll naw!” (not the exact words, but you catch my drift)

I have hope.  More specifically, I have faith in myself, in my abilities, in what I’m meant to do, and what my strengths and talents are.  I have faith in my ability to pursue my passion. And fuck-it all to hell, all the opposition, all the insecurity….all of it!  I am done with feeling sorry for myself.

Wipe my tears away. It’s not worth it.  I’ve encountered far worst.  I can handle just about anything (and I should know…oh god, how I know).

I had an entire blog post prepared that I basically deleted (it was a long post too…sorry Angie! The dino’s would have been proud!), but it was just so DEPRESSING! Ugh, I’ll tell you this…I am a master whiner.  Fuck that shit (seriously).

So, tending my wounds, and getting back in the battlefield.  Only this time…will I be the doctor instead? Only time will tell. I know this for certain.  I know, with every fiber of my being, that I will achieve my goals.  I have hope for a better future.  I have hope for a fully realized life.  I have hope for contentment, and peace.  I will always have hope. Always.