I hate it when I realize that the comment I left on someones blog, while coming from a genuine place, looks like it was written by a grammatically-challenged teenager (although I’m sure I’m sounding redundant).
The worst part…I can’t delete it.
I would have made due with editing it…but nope, not even that.
Do-overs apparently don’t apply to the internet anymore *sigh*
In considering what my own my vision of what my wedding would be like, I stumbled upon this gem of a wedding video. It’s unconventional, earthy, hip…and simply beautiful. I wish a long life of fulfillment, happiness, and more good than bad times to this gorgeous and stylish couple 🙂
There’s not much catharsis to getting that rejection letter sent to you, soon after you’ve interviewed for a job you’ve been pining for…and we’re talking months here folks. Waiting was the easy part. Receiving the letter with those god awful words was nauseating, to say the least, however.
There’s always that thought of “will I ever find a job?” and the stress of ensuring that you’ll have enough money to pay for the ensuing months’ bills.
But for myself, at least, a rejection from a job opportunity seems to reverberate far more than simply not getting the job. I begin to question my own self worth and whether I’m adequate enough for any job really.
I know, I know, I’m the walking poster child for low self esteem it seems. My reaction isn’t exactly the healthiest, and contrary to what others tell you, a lot feel the exact same way.
Having another sleepless night, and enduring the sting (or stink) of rejection is more than I want to bear. I want to feel OK about all this. In short…
…I want to move beyond it.
But first, here’s the painfully obvious: today’s job market is tight (I’ll resist the urge to insert some offensive metaphors here, but you get the picture). Even low end jobs in retail chains like Target, and fast food joints like McDonald’s having become increasingly finicky with who they decide to hire. It’s become a sad state of affairs, with so many professionals out of work, but with so few job openings. Employers have their pick of the lot…
So keeping that in mind, I let myself wallow in my little pit of despair. I basically gave myself a time limit of half a day. I originally had it at two hours, but two turned into three, then four…well, you get the picture.
Before writing this blog post, I decided to look up how others dealt with their small calamity of job rejections. I stumbled upon some rather informative, albeit therapeutic posts here, here, and here. Admittedly, there’s countless others on the net, but these three seemed to help the most.
The take home lesson from all this can be summed up in these following statements (which I’ve stolen from the the third blog post here), and that is:
“When I hear the word “No!”…oh well. So what? Next!”
Like she says. There are seven BILLION people in the world. Go ask someone else. Get interviewed by someone else. And if you feel that sting again…oh well, so what…NEXT! 😉
Sometimes the anxiety in your life just keeps building and compounding in on itself. You say to yourself “you’re ok,” or you simply try to ignore the feeling. But the nature of anxiety doesn’t quite let up that easily. It’s relentless in its pursuit to make you feel as nervous and as unsure of yourself as possible.
Especially when things are not quite going your way. Despite how hard you work, and regardless of your good intentions or good deeds…good karma just isn’t quite finding its way to you.
When all that just gets to be too much, it only takes a sobbing character on a show like Glee, to get you to sob uncontrollably…snot, and all.
In all honesty, sometimes you really do have to just cry it out. Releasing all that tension, surprisingly enough, feels really good after. You were so tense before all this, then you let the tears pour forth…and you suddenly feel a little lighter. The situation hasn’t changed. You’re still overwhelmed. But, at least you’ve felt some release from the pressure cooker building in your mind.
I think I’ve come to a couple realizations in all this. While I would love to do well with whatever it is I’m working so hard in, I can only do my best…meaning, after that, it’s out of my hands. Hard work doesn’t always equal to huge success. So, that equation in my life needs to be discarded, and fast.
There’s also no point in succeeding at something, or not succeeding for that matter, if you’re miserable the whole way there. I enjoy what I study, but I’m not necessarily amazing it. I have at tendency to fixate on my performance, rather on the reasons why I went into science in the first place. Is it really about being brilliant? Or perhaps it’s about how curious you are about the world. I’m hungry to know and understand, but that does not necessarily have to correlate to excellence or mastery. I may just well be the slowest in my class, but I am thorough…isn’t that what it’s all about, anyways?
Whatever the case, I suppose I’ll continue to have these crying sessions, until I fully accept my limitations, and embrace my reasons for pursuing science, and my fixating more on my own personal strengths.
But lets get a couple of things straight here…
Truth: I am not the smartest, nor am I the quickest.
BUT, I love to learn, and can be a pretty damn good teacher. I also ask the right questions, and what I lack in mastery and quickness, I make up for in insight and ingenuity. I may never be the best at what I do, but I don’t know of any major discovery that was every really founded by a person who had the highest IQ. Not even Einstein.
So, all in all (as my sorry excuse of an English professor has so exclaimed) tears lead to other things beside release. They lead to acceptance, resolve, and a willingness to move beyond. I suppose that what Zen must feel like. If only temporarily 😉
…awesome! 🙂
I complain a good deal on my blogs. It’s my medium to vent. So for a complainer, like myself, to post this…
Well, I can honestly say it’s bit out of character. At least for the me that’s existed for the past five years.
And what exactly have I been experiencing in the past five years? I’ve been this bitter, complaining, cynical, and very angry person for the better part of half a decade. Geez, when I think about it, it’s a little depressing. But contrary to what many might think, I needed this period. To express all that pain, guilt, resentment, all the repressed emotion I’ve held for 25 years…all of it! Because keeping it in me was reeking havoc on my health!
But, I’ve emerged the other end, and I’ve reclaimed myself. It’s still a process, and I still lapse back into that bitter Marian, but for the most part, I’m on the whole happier, and healthier. Why, you may ask? That’s simple…I have love in my life.
David. My very sweet David. A friendship of 10 years, two of which became a deeply committed relationship.
It’s because of David that I believe in soul mates.
It’s because of David that I’ve healed.
It’s because of David that I was able to bring myself out of this five year hell hole I dug myself in.
David is the reason why I feel love in my life.
Our relationship is no where near perfect. We both have our psychological hurdles and mental blocks that we face, but the difference now is that we face it together, helping each other, supporting one another.
The only unfortunate thing about all this is, for now, our relationship is long distance. Me in California, and David in Georgia. But, despite appearances (and the gigantic distance), our relationship is stronger because of it.
Communication is BIG on my list for a life-mate, and David–whether he’s tired, frustrated, what have you–is always willing to talk. He listens and tries to understand. That to me, that is worth more than a million mansions, or even a million dollars (although I’m sure he’d contest lol….if only we had a million dollars!)
We talk for hours. Sometimes we don’t talk at all, but simply hearing each other breath on the other line–knowing that the other person is right there–is all we need to ride the huge gap of time we experience between seeing each other. Although it’s been rough, I’ve experienced more joy and contentment with David in a long distance relationship, than I ever have with any other person.
For the first time, I finally feel like I have a life long companion.
My best friend, who became my boyfriend, and who will soon become my husband. I could not have asked for anything more. In fact, it’s the very thing I have been dreaming about all my life, and after all the heartache, and many failed (and might I add, short lived) relationships, I’ve finally found David.
Other than the open communication that we have, David’s humor is something else I absolutely LOVE about him! Humor is another huge characteristic of our relationship. And while I may be wailing at him, yelling at him for passing his usual gas (I’m sure he’s killed several bugs within his vicinity, just from being assaulted by his silent, but deadly killer), or the ridiculous bugs in his room, or his seemingly half-baked dialogue on the phone (video games suck 90% of his attention…more like 99% of it), he, in the midst of it all, will crack one joke, and I’m forced to crack a smile. David simply has that effect on me. Moment of tension is gone, and I’m trying my hardest to remain angry at him–and he’s smiling to himself, smugly, with his soft laugh (which I love!).
I’m also grateful for the love I’ve already experienced with David, and I’m excited to see where our future will lead us.
Love is different to each and every one of us. For me, it’s being with David, and all that it entails. I love you baby 🙂
So I’ve come to an impasse in my life.
When I really think about it, I don’t encounter this moment very often, and so the rarity of them make it all the more pronounced.
I’ve come to realize that all this rage and bitterness I’ve been experiencing on and off in the past few years should be seen more as a blessing, and less as a nuisance and huge blockade in my life. It never dawned on me to just channel all this pent up frustration, depression, hurt feelings, trust issues, you name it, into something more creative. Something positive, for a change.
I don’t know what kind of form that would come in, and I unfortunately don’t know how to play guitar or piano to really hone all that in, and start expressing how I actually feel.
I sometimes wonder how others seem to live such relatively peaceful and happy lives. It’s as if they have nothing weighing on them. No thoughts buzzing in their heads, making them hate to face the morning, dread talking to people, fear the reactions of a certain strange psychologist or department heads (long story).
It’s like they go around, feeling…happy! And we’re talking the majority of the time.
Whether they are extremely creative peeps, I can’t really tell you. They certainly seem more grounded and content, and often the very driving force of a creative individual is to eventually reach that state of satiety, after having just expressed one’s idea, emotion, invention even.
Satiety, that’s what it is. I never quite feel full with life. It’s like I’m nibbling on the crappy end pieces–the rotting ones–and trying to savor any sort of flavor, and never feeling the full satisfaction.
I’ve been following Meghan Tonjes on youtube, and she has been such a breath of fresh air! Someone that I can absolutely relate to. She not only sings (BEAUTIFUL VOICE!), but has also dealt with issues of obesity, and discusses the “interesting” responses she gets from people catching a glimpse of her larger figure on youtube.
I personally feel that Megan is, by far, one of the bravest chicks I’ve encountered on the internet (not to mention loaded with talent). She doesn’t seem to let the negative feedback of others over take her life, the way it has mine. Her commentary is full of humor, intelligence, and I absolutely enjoy all the songs she releases on youtube.
Megan has somehow managed to channel all her energy into something so creative and beautiful.
I’ve always rebelled against the crass and insensitive treatment of others, and have found myself miserable trying to combat them, and simply trying to get rid of anything that leaves me inclined to think depressing thoughts has only invited more of it. The very thing I was trying to get rid of in the first place!
I nearly missed the gravy train, so to speak!
I never thought to just take all of that pain and hurt and try to express it in something creative, like music, or writing.
Writing is a double edge sword for me, since I do write plenty in my blog, I find that I don’t feel as much relief or therapeutic effects as I do when I simply sing. And I LOVE to sing. I love that way it makes me feel, the buzzing in my head when I hit that right note, as I’m singing the most beautiful lyric. Nothing compares, and nothing brings me more joy.
I don’t know if I’ll ever release videos the way Megan Tonjes does, but she’s helped me realize that there is a way to deal with all the muck coming at you…sing about it. Write about it. Be creative. Make something that is yours, and that is what I fully intend to do.
I don’ know how to play piano nor guitar, so the next few months are going to be interesting, to say the least. I’ve already started to shopping around for a new guitar, and I’ve got my eye on a Yamaha down at bestbuy. A gorgeous 160 dollar acoustic beauty, including bag, picks strap, extra strings, and of course, the DVD to teach you how to make beautiful music 🙂
I’m also going to invest a good amount of some yet to be had hard earned cash into a state of the art terrain elliptical machine.
I did the gym thing, and well, with gas prices the way they are, and time being most precious and expensive quantity that is most certainly NOT at my disposal, hashing out 1200 dollars for home exercise equipment seems (at least for myself) to be the wiser decision.
And, I’ve taken on the grand project of fixing my sisters old laptop that went caput about 2 years ago. I’m so excited to take it apart, and really see if I can actually fix it!! So exciting! 🙂
This summer is just full for me, and I’m loving it. Truly 🙂
So yay for channeling! This is far better than sitting and moping about my life. I want to have fun, and do something worth while for me! It’s about time!
I had the pleasure of watching a very unpretentious biochemist (and trust me, those are far and few between) go over the following in detail. In a rather natural and very humanistic way, Chemist Kary Mullis discusses how to attach a molecule– that typically triggers our immune system to consume it–to a a deadly virus like anthrax, and thus, completely eradicate it. You would never guess that this guy was such a brilliant Chemist, but he’s got a rather down-to-earth approach to it all. I loved his explanation. He had a few funny and effortless quips here and there. He’s just plain cool. Period.
So here it is folks. Smile, and feel and experience the subtle awe 😉
https://ted.com/talks/view/id/594
Go to my “Nerd-Fest” tab, and read on my fellow blog-folk. Read on 🙂
I ponder the question, as I drive away from my job site, wondering what precisely I could have done to prevent from rubbing-wrong the secretary of the school I worked for today. I was polite, respectful, apologetic when I needed to be, and made sure to follow the rules and ask for assistance when need be. And yet, despite all my good intentions, I still managed to anger a rather impatient secretary. I guess you can’t win’em all. But the question still begs…when is eager, too eager? When do I know I’ve crossed the lines of politeness into obnoxiousness?
Let’s face it–there are people who just don’t give a rats behind how respectful and polite you are to them. They blame you for following the rules, and blame you for bending them as well. Today’s incident was just such a case. But I’ve often found that the altogether touted advice “show eagerness and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there!” is just plain bad advice! It may have worked in the eager-beaver days, but in today’s society, that kind of advice will only get your trampled on…hard!
There are some cold hard truth’s I’ve stumbled upon in my travails of work-dom. They are sad, and often frustrating, but they are the axioms (and banes) of all hierarchical work places, and so I break them down in the following:
Truth 1: not everyone in a position of authority is competent enough to be in said position. They’re usually there because they’ve–as I’d like to call–domineered (and yes, that is a word I made up) their way into such a position. In other words, they’re bossy, and so therefore elbowed, shoved, and well…basically stampeded their domineering ways to the top, so to speak. True ability, or competence are completely independent of such a rise in position (although I doubt being a secretary is much of anything, other than big heads, with a penchant for busy work–no offense).
Truth 2: while you may know every stupid rule and policy there is in said organization, and try to implement them in the most feasible and reasonable way possible, do not expect the person of higher power (i.e. secretary) to know such policies in as equal of intricate deatil, or be fair enough to allow you to implement them. Their over-used “well just deal with it!” when you know that is NOT possible is something you just have to, well…deal with. *sigh*
Truth 3: you usually may not have done anything wrong when you approach groucho-to-the-max about a particular policy that was not fulfilled (i.e. in my case, a lesson plan that was no provided for a class that I was subbing for, and thus was ill prepared for what I would be required to cover for the day). Your reasons may be sound and justified, yet you may still run the risk of putting your job on the line for every time you make someone of power aware of the error (despite the policy that MANDATES you report every time such a thing happens, or else you run the risk of being written up–do you see my dilemma here?).
Truth 4: the nicer you are, or the more eager you become, does not translate into well received responses. Happiness annoys bosses. Aloofness, a challenging and knowing stance, and an all around attitude of “I know your shit, don’t mess with mine” is generally accepted and not tread upon by such corrupt people in said positions of power. They’re cowards at heart–they won’t ruffle feathers with someone that can basically kick their proverbial ass. They only mess with the eager weak one’s 😦 *tear*
Truth 5: don’t count on karma to get your boss in hot water. Granted, it may be easier to wait and let them brew their own storm, and essentially dig their own grave. However, if you’re feeling like your very rights are in question, and you’re being trampled on for no good reason, then report them ASAP! Don’t wait for a better time to come, because chances are, they’re preparing their strategy to elbow you out. So beat them to it. If your job situation is so hostile that you can’t simple approach your boss’s boss about the abuse, call for reinforcements–the union! If you have no union, then leave the job and find a better one. I know in an enconomy such as this, a claim like that will render a scoff at best, and a “fuck you!” at worst. I’ll tell you this, though: the stress of constant put-downs, and being chronically abused by an employer simply because they don’t like you is no healthy haven for anyone. It’s simply not worth it. Get a better job. You will find something better. You deserve better.
Does the following look familiar? Poor Dilbert. Poor you!
Yeah. NOT worth it. The cost of being eager…tres sad. But I will discuss this eagerness issue in the next blog. Till then, my beloved peeps!
My vegan conversion has not exactly been an overnight success. But, the issue at the moment is convenience. While there are certainly more vegan friendly food alternatives to choose from, when you’re out and “aboot” the day, trying to get your errands done, going to class–what have you–the act of stopping for a few moments to fix yourself something to eat that’s both satisfying and healthy is just plain inconvenient. I’m that girl that will quickly get a .99 cent cheeseburger from a local Wendy’s, and scarf it down with a diet coke and half cold fries without a second thought, while I’m driving and applying make-up (yes, I’ve done it–we so cal-ions are talented drivers).
But, I will not hang on to the slew of excuses that I am an expert at creating. I gave myself a year to make the conversion. That is plenty of time. And if I don’t convert in exactly a year, I know it will eventually happen. I just have to stick to it.
My sole reason for this life changing decision was to reap the emotional benefits that vegans preach on a daily basis. But lately, the only emotion I’m feeling is bitterness, and perhaps some depression (I suppose that’s more a state of mind, than an actual bona-fide emotion). I feel like I complain and mope around far more than any healthy and able bodied human should. I’ve already cursed God during my prayers to him (I know, I know…bad Marian!), and I’m trying very hard to push away the bitterness and anger that’s been settling in.
The reality of the situation is that it’s so easy to be happy and content when life is going your way. It’s also very easy to become angry and bitter when things are not. I want so desperately to feel at peace in any situation…when life is exceedingly good, supremely bad, and all the boring and mundane in between. I want to literally smile from the inside out.
In truth, I don’t like the person I become when life isn’t as peachy-keen as I’d like it to be.
I’ve come to grips with a certain truth about myself: I am that person that turns a mountain out of a mole-hill. I over-react. I freak out (literally). I also begin to blame others–my family, my friends, the crappy traffic, the weather, my stubborn southern (i.e. boyfriend), my professors, that crappy TA–to find some sort of relief. But the irony of it all is that I don’t feel any relief. Not the slightest. I feel worst because of it.
I have friends who go through more trying experiences, and still seem to hang on to a healthy attitude. They’re happy the majority of the time despite what may be occurring in their lives. And miracle of all miracles, they don’t blame or take it out on others. Now that’s class. I’m very blessed to have them in my life, because I learn from them…or I try.
Now let me state for the record that I don’t necessarily act on the thoughts I have. I will still be nice to you, but underneath that facade of niceness is a seething undercurrent of anger, resentment, and hurt. And not necessarily because of you…I just learned, through years of mastering the art of repression, to keep it to myself. And yes, it has served me well, but in instances like what I’m going through now, I’m realizing that having these feelings in the first place isn’t much of a virtue, regardless of how I cope with them.
Enter Victoria Moran!
Her name sounded familiar when I was exploring my beloved iPhone app “Be Vegan.” Which, much to my pleasant surprise, was free! Actually, it’s wonderful! (understatement of the century–it’s freaking AWESOME!) Most vegan apps for the iPhone, designed to aid you in your journey to veganism, are essentially free. And they’re FILLED with resources. One of them being video’s that help promote a vegan lifestyle.
“Be Vegan” was promoting a two part interview series with Victoria Moran, discussing and advocating a charmed life of kindness (as the title suggests) that is a natural consequence from living as a vegan.
I find it funny that just minutes prior to stumbling on these videos, I had just prayed to God (more like cursing up a storm, and demanding to know why everything’s been difficult lately–I know, I know—bad Marian!). Feeling dejected and frustrated, I find part 1 of the video (shown below).
I watched it, and I wasn’t sure if it was Victoria’s pleasant and insightful outlook on life, or if it was her pleasing demeanor, but I began to feel…better.
I have a tendency to place impossible demands on myself. I throw myself completely in anything I pursue. And while some may argue that such devotion is a recipe for success, it’s only set me up for disaster. I won’t get into the details (have been masterminding an entire series of blogs devoted to this topic, among others–watch for it! :)), but extremism like what I described can’t last for long. It’s a balanced lifestyle that prevents burn-out, and careful preparation (i.e. intention) that helps you brave any storm that may come around–and they do come!
Victoria Moran’s lifestyle change to become a vegan was not something she imposed on herself by force. And in fact, she honestly stated that it took her 30 years (30 years!) to become a high-raw food vegan (which is exactly what I’m aspiring to).
Victoria never once mentioned willpower, or discipline, or any other–what I consider harsh and forced forces–people tend to impose in their lives. She simply stated that to feel better about your body, and yourself, and to have the “option of choice,” that becoming vegan opens that possibility up for you.
Victoria also mentions a new release coming out in Jan of 2012, called “A Good Karma Diet,” and you better believe that I’m marking my calender!
Now, I know this does not sound in the least bit scientific. And the skeptical scientist in me is cringing at all this, but I’m reading between the lines here (my stubborn southern may beg to differ ;)).
So, as warning to all you realists out there, who feel any talk of spirituality is offensive to your senses, just watch with an open mind. I will make sure to provide more resources in the future.
I’ve taken the liberty to provide the 2nd part of the interview. Enjoy 🙂
Call me MarMar.... 