I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve departed from my tumultuous 20’s into what’s supposed to be a more comprehensible 30’s…but I’ve definitely experienced yet another of my myriad and unexpected paradigm shifts.  Ya know the type…where all of a sudden the lens you were looking through in life completely switches on you. I’ve had several of those in the last 7 years alone. Don’t even get me started  onwhat I went through when I first graduated college…*cringe*

My ambition for certain goals in life has definitely been reassessed as a result.  Strange to say that as a result of relinquishing myself from lofty goals, I’ve managed to sustain this peaceful resolve…and dare I say, I’m actually happy. *gasp*

Merely passing was never good enough…I needed to MASTER it! (i.e. I needed to be the shit…and not shit at it, so to speak)

But, in my pursuit of such ambitions, I ended up accomplishing (or not accomplishing, I should say) the very opposite of what I was trying to achieve. Let me tell you…nothing can be more frustrating…or devastating.

In short, folks…I was absolutely miserable.

Now, only until a short time ago, I was still writing posts about the exams I was getting mediocre grades in, even failed attempts at studying, etc.

Now…I’m just happy to get by.

There are some tinges here and there, however. Remnants of the old ambitious me. Always having something to prove. Have too much, in fact.

Damn America and their individualistic, go-getter ideas. Being opportunistic is considered a sin in other parts of the world, ya know.

And I finally get it.

I’ve been the unusually shaped peg, trying to fit into the round and all too perfect hole.

I’m just not that perfectly shaped peg. I am not that perfectly predictable and awesomely amazing person. I am just…Marian.

Not smart Marian. Not weird Marian (although I have my moments *groan* ugh…the awkwardness of it all :-/). Not scholastic Marian. Not pleaser Marian. Not ____ Marian.

To sit in a room and just be…heh, what a concept!

This particular paradigm shift is proving to be most…peaceful (for lack of a better word). I’m riding this wave for as long as I possibly can, since a clarity as a sweet as this is something that’s to be relished. I’m relishing it…putting it on all my hot dogs and sammiches 😉

Remenants of the old me still pop up…and they trip me up every once in a while. But I’m right back whereI left off. In happy-ville. In between I-don’t-need-to-try-so-hard and being practical-is-awesome-in-and-of-itself 🙂

And on that note, considering it’s past midnight, and I have a physical chem midterm I need to continue studying for tomorrow…i’ll bid my readers (all 15 of you) a good night. I may write more on this topic, when I’m not in this deleriously sleepy stupor I’m in…