Sometimes the anxiety in your life just keeps building and compounding in on itself. You say to yourself “you’re ok,” or you simply try to ignore the feeling. But the nature of anxiety doesn’t quite let up that easily. It’s relentless in its pursuit to make you feel as nervous and as unsure of yourself as possible.
Especially when things are not quite going your way. Despite how hard you work, and regardless of your good intentions or good deeds…good karma just isn’t quite finding its way to you.
When all that just gets to be too much, it only takes a sobbing character on a show like Glee, to get you to sob uncontrollably…snot, and all.
In all honesty, sometimes you really do have to just cry it out. Releasing all that tension, surprisingly enough, feels really good after. You were so tense before all this, then you let the tears pour forth…and you suddenly feel a little lighter. The situation hasn’t changed. You’re still overwhelmed. But, at least you’ve felt some release from the pressure cooker building in your mind.
I think I’ve come to a couple realizations in all this. While I would love to do well with whatever it is I’m working so hard in, I can only do my best…meaning, after that, it’s out of my hands. Hard work doesn’t always equal to huge success. So, that equation in my life needs to be discarded, and fast.
There’s also no point in succeeding at something, or not succeeding for that matter, if you’re miserable the whole way there. I enjoy what I study, but I’m not necessarily amazing it. I have at tendency to fixate on my performance, rather on the reasons why I went into science in the first place. Is it really about being brilliant? Or perhaps it’s about how curious you are about the world. I’m hungry to know and understand, but that does not necessarily have to correlate to excellence or mastery. I may just well be the slowest in my class, but I am thorough…isn’t that what it’s all about, anyways?
Whatever the case, I suppose I’ll continue to have these crying sessions, until I fully accept my limitations, and embrace my reasons for pursuing science, and my fixating more on my own personal strengths.
But lets get a couple of things straight here…
Truth: I am not the smartest, nor am I the quickest.
BUT, I love to learn, and can be a pretty damn good teacher. I also ask the right questions, and what I lack in mastery and quickness, I make up for in insight and ingenuity. I may never be the best at what I do, but I don’t know of any major discovery that was every really founded by a person who had the highest IQ. Not even Einstein.
So, all in all (as my sorry excuse of an English professor has so exclaimed) tears lead to other things beside release. They lead to acceptance, resolve, and a willingness to move beyond. I suppose that what Zen must feel like. If only temporarily 😉
At the start of this year, I was most worried about the decision I’d have to make with the schools that I thought would accept me. So much fanfare, discussion, and the “Oh God, I just don’t know…what if I get into both schools?! Oh geez…I wouldn’t know what to decide.”
Well, yesterday, the decision was basically made for me. I was–anticlimactically–only admitted to one.
As of Fall of 2011, I will be going for my second Bachelors in Chemistry. A nice compliment to the bachelors I already have in Physics…or so I’m trying to convince myself.
But a gigantic “you failed” is still blaring in my mind. I did not get into the Masters Bioengineering program that I had been pining and praying for. So much for the sacrificial lambs, and ritualistic burning of virgins. (that was supposed to be a joke…really).
Honestly? I’m sad.
And…well, since we’re on the honesty kick here…I don’t even know if my admission standing for my second bach will even remain, if I don’t manage to do amazingly well on my final for my Biochem class.
I suppose I wouldn’t be as worried, if this god awful class that I study for (hours on end, I’d like to add), and still can’t seem to get beyond a failing grade, wasn’t in the way.
But all that stress aside, and the depression I’m beating off with a stick, I have this image in my mind of the kind of life I really want after I finally get through all this mess I call “the residual of my 20’s.” In short, I want a balanced life.
I want to be one of those women that feels in touch with herself, her surroundings, and the people around her, so much so that she exudes peace.
I know…a lofty ambition, but I now know I don’t want to be that in- control, know-it-all anymore. Not sure If I was ever really like that, but it was usually stated by lesser beings (i.e. insecure and rather crappy individuals, that had an ego so large, it was its own singularity).
But I’ve always had this aspiration to take-charge, to know more, do more….to be more, because I just wasn’t doing enough. In essence, I wasn’t enough of a person. Period.
I know now that this attitude needs to change entirely. I want to feel like I’m just enough, and to have an acceptance of myself that reverberates to every other part of my life.
I want every moment of action to feel like a meditative act.
I don’t want to be a fighter anymore. I just want to live.
All this “I won’t give up!” and “I’m gonna kick some ass!” is, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed…the manic trying to gain control of her life.
But is life really supposed to be this hard? Does everything have to be so agonizing, and require so much impossible effort?
Why can’t I just enjoy my life for what it is?
There are some women who seem so content with just knitting sweaters, and writing blogs. It’s amazing to me that such a simple way of living, can bring so much happiness and peace in someone’s life.
But I can’t seem to just do that. I feel my brain is near atrophy when I’m not doing something that pushes my mental abilities to the very brink.
I need challenge! I crave it! I search out for it, hunt it down…or go so far as to create it. It is the unrelenting drive to always do more, because, well…I have to prove it (whatever the hell it is) to myself and to the others around me.
But, I’ve finally come to this conclusion: I don’t want that life anymore. It’s brought me a lot of sadness, and misery. I want to just wake up, get my day started, and just live my life, enjoying the moments, working a job I enjoy, with people I’ve formed close bonds with. It’s more than just achieving anymore…
I want my life to be full of love, tranquility, and balance in every possible way.
I want to enjoy the view for a little while, instead of quickly run past it, without its due acknowledgment.
Yeah, I know life has a lot of responsibilities, and we don’t always have the time to stop and smell the roses…but what are we really living for? What’s life, if it’s not the amalgamation of all the experiences you have throughout your lifetime?
Career will come, yes, and I’m sure I’ll work some job, doing something important, and hopefully thoroughly enjoying it, while being quite good at it (yeah, well, a girl can dream…or at least aspire to).
I want my life to be full and balanced. I want it all, but I don’t mind it being (or coming to me) in measured doses.
In other words, I want the husband (which my stubborn southern will most definitely oblige to), and the family….if that only means one child, I will be happy with that.
I want a career, and hopefully a Phd (DO/MD…who knows) that leads to that career, and I don’t mind taking the time out to get to that point, but at the same time, vacationing…living it up (so to speak), and enjoying my short 100 year existence in the process.
I don’t want to be frantic, or running around, trying to achieve something for the sake of achieving it (did that for too long). The achievement should be in the very being of it. In other words, I do it, I work at it, and it naturally becomes…so to speak.
I want to take better care of my appearance, and not dress in the same old and drab black shirt, jeans, and mussied up afro I call my hair. I want to wear long flowing skirts and dresses, and be feminine….but of course, to ge to that point, I want to also lose weight and BE HEALTHY.
What I’m driving at here is this: I want my balanced life (as opposed to wanting my life balanced–huge distinction here). I want to enjoy my life. I want more good than bad…tip the scales in my favor. And while I’m sure my metaphors aren’t matching here, I at least know that balance does not mean to do good and bad. It just means to live life sensibly, without madness, chaos, or massive dose whoop ass to get through the day. Zen life…with a twist 🙂
Call me MarMar.... 