So I’ve come to an impasse in my life.

When I really think about it, I don’t encounter this moment very often, and so the rarity of them make it all the more pronounced.

I’ve come to realize that all this rage and bitterness I’ve been experiencing on and off in the past few years should be seen more as a blessing, and less as a nuisance and huge blockade in my life.  It never dawned on me to just channel all this pent up frustration, depression, hurt feelings, trust issues, you name it, into something more creative.  Something positive, for a change.

I don’t know what kind of form that would come in, and I unfortunately don’t know how to play guitar or piano to really hone all that in, and start expressing how I actually feel.

I sometimes wonder how others seem to live such relatively peaceful and happy lives.  It’s as if they have nothing weighing on them. No thoughts buzzing in their heads, making them hate to face the morning, dread talking to people, fear the reactions of a certain strange psychologist or department heads (long story).

It’s like they go around, feeling…happy! And we’re talking the majority of the time.

Whether they are extremely creative peeps, I can’t really tell you.  They certainly seem more grounded and content, and often the very driving force of a creative individual is to eventually reach that state of satiety, after having just expressed one’s idea, emotion, invention even.

Satiety, that’s what it is.  I never quite feel full with life. It’s like I’m nibbling on the crappy end pieces–the rotting ones–and trying to savor any sort of flavor, and never feeling the full satisfaction.

I’ve been following Meghan Tonjes on youtube, and she has been such a breath of fresh air! Someone that I can absolutely relate to. She not only sings (BEAUTIFUL VOICE!), but has also dealt with issues of obesity, and discusses the “interesting” responses she gets from people catching a glimpse of her larger figure on youtube.

I personally feel that Megan is, by far, one of the bravest chicks I’ve encountered on the internet (not to mention loaded with talent).  She doesn’t seem to let the negative feedback of others over take her life, the way it has mine. Her commentary is full of humor, intelligence, and I absolutely enjoy all the songs she releases on youtube.

Megan has somehow managed to channel all her energy into something so creative and beautiful.

I’ve always rebelled against the crass and insensitive treatment of others, and have found myself miserable trying to combat them, and simply trying to get rid of anything that leaves me inclined to think depressing thoughts has only invited more of it. The very thing I was trying to get rid of in the first place!

I nearly missed the gravy train, so to speak!

I never thought to just take all of that pain and hurt and try to express it in something creative, like music, or writing.

Writing is a double edge sword for me, since I do write plenty in my blog, I find that I don’t feel as much relief or therapeutic effects as I do when I simply sing.  And I LOVE to sing.  I love that way it makes me feel, the buzzing in my head when I hit that right note, as I’m singing the most beautiful lyric. Nothing compares, and nothing brings me more joy.

I don’t know if I’ll ever release videos the way Megan Tonjes does, but she’s helped me realize that there is a way to deal with all the muck coming at you…sing about it. Write about it. Be creative. Make something that is yours, and that is what I fully intend to do.

I don’ know how to play piano nor guitar, so the next few months are going to be interesting, to say the least. I’ve already started to shopping around for a new guitar, and I’ve got my eye on a Yamaha down at bestbuy.  A gorgeous 160 dollar acoustic beauty, including bag, picks strap, extra strings, and of course, the DVD to teach you how to make beautiful music 🙂

I’m also going to invest a good amount of some yet to be had hard earned cash into a state of the art terrain elliptical machine.

I did the gym thing, and well, with gas prices the way they are, and time being most precious and expensive quantity that is most certainly NOT at my disposal, hashing out 1200 dollars for home exercise equipment seems (at least for myself) to be the wiser decision.

And, I’ve taken on the grand project of fixing my sisters old laptop that went caput about 2 years ago. I’m so excited to take it apart, and really see if I can actually fix it!! So exciting! 🙂

This summer is just full for me, and I’m loving it. Truly 🙂

So yay for channeling! This is far better than sitting and moping about my life.  I want to have fun, and do something worth while for me!  It’s about time!