I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve departed from my tumultuous 20’s into what’s supposed to be a more comprehensible 30’s…but I’ve definitely experienced yet another of my myriad and unexpected paradigm shifts. Ya know the type…where all of a sudden the lens you were looking through in life completely switches on you. I’ve had several of those in the last 7 years alone. Don’t even get me started onwhat I went through when I first graduated college…*cringe*
My ambition for certain goals in life has definitely been reassessed as a result. Strange to say that as a result of relinquishing myself from lofty goals, I’ve managed to sustain this peaceful resolve…and dare I say, I’m actually happy. *gasp*
Merely passing was never good enough…I needed to MASTER it! (i.e. I needed to be the shit…and not shit at it, so to speak)
But, in my pursuit of such ambitions, I ended up accomplishing (or not accomplishing, I should say) the very opposite of what I was trying to achieve. Let me tell you…nothing can be more frustrating…or devastating.
In short, folks…I was absolutely miserable.
Now, only until a short time ago, I was still writing posts about the exams I was getting mediocre grades in, even failed attempts at studying, etc.
Now…I’m just happy to get by.
There are some tinges here and there, however. Remnants of the old ambitious me. Always having something to prove. Have too much, in fact.
Damn America and their individualistic, go-getter ideas. Being opportunistic is considered a sin in other parts of the world, ya know.
And I finally get it.
I’ve been the unusually shaped peg, trying to fit into the round and all too perfect hole.
I’m just not that perfectly shaped peg. I am not that perfectly predictable and awesomely amazing person. I am just…Marian.
Not smart Marian. Not weird Marian (although I have my moments *groan* ugh…the awkwardness of it all :-/). Not scholastic Marian. Not pleaser Marian. Not ____ Marian.
To sit in a room and just be…heh, what a concept!
This particular paradigm shift is proving to be most…peaceful (for lack of a better word). I’m riding this wave for as long as I possibly can, since a clarity as a sweet as this is something that’s to be relished. I’m relishing it…putting it on all my hot dogs and sammiches 😉
Remenants of the old me still pop up…and they trip me up every once in a while. But I’m right back whereI left off. In happy-ville. In between I-don’t-need-to-try-so-hard and being practical-is-awesome-in-and-of-itself 🙂
And on that note, considering it’s past midnight, and I have a physical chem midterm I need to continue studying for tomorrow…i’ll bid my readers (all 15 of you) a good night. I may write more on this topic, when I’m not in this deleriously sleepy stupor I’m in…
I complain a good deal on my blogs. It’s my medium to vent. So for a complainer, like myself, to post this…
Well, I can honestly say it’s bit out of character. At least for the me that’s existed for the past five years.
And what exactly have I been experiencing in the past five years? I’ve been this bitter, complaining, cynical, and very angry person for the better part of half a decade. Geez, when I think about it, it’s a little depressing. But contrary to what many might think, I needed this period. To express all that pain, guilt, resentment, all the repressed emotion I’ve held for 25 years…all of it! Because keeping it in me was reeking havoc on my health!
But, I’ve emerged the other end, and I’ve reclaimed myself. It’s still a process, and I still lapse back into that bitter Marian, but for the most part, I’m on the whole happier, and healthier. Why, you may ask? That’s simple…I have love in my life.
David. My very sweet David. A friendship of 10 years, two of which became a deeply committed relationship.
It’s because of David that I believe in soul mates.
It’s because of David that I’ve healed.
It’s because of David that I was able to bring myself out of this five year hell hole I dug myself in.
David is the reason why I feel love in my life.
Our relationship is no where near perfect. We both have our psychological hurdles and mental blocks that we face, but the difference now is that we face it together, helping each other, supporting one another.
The only unfortunate thing about all this is, for now, our relationship is long distance. Me in California, and David in Georgia. But, despite appearances (and the gigantic distance), our relationship is stronger because of it.
Communication is BIG on my list for a life-mate, and David–whether he’s tired, frustrated, what have you–is always willing to talk. He listens and tries to understand. That to me, that is worth more than a million mansions, or even a million dollars (although I’m sure he’d contest lol….if only we had a million dollars!)
We talk for hours. Sometimes we don’t talk at all, but simply hearing each other breath on the other line–knowing that the other person is right there–is all we need to ride the huge gap of time we experience between seeing each other. Although it’s been rough, I’ve experienced more joy and contentment with David in a long distance relationship, than I ever have with any other person.
For the first time, I finally feel like I have a life long companion.
My best friend, who became my boyfriend, and who will soon become my husband. I could not have asked for anything more. In fact, it’s the very thing I have been dreaming about all my life, and after all the heartache, and many failed (and might I add, short lived) relationships, I’ve finally found David.
Other than the open communication that we have, David’s humor is something else I absolutely LOVE about him! Humor is another huge characteristic of our relationship. And while I may be wailing at him, yelling at him for passing his usual gas (I’m sure he’s killed several bugs within his vicinity, just from being assaulted by his silent, but deadly killer), or the ridiculous bugs in his room, or his seemingly half-baked dialogue on the phone (video games suck 90% of his attention…more like 99% of it), he, in the midst of it all, will crack one joke, and I’m forced to crack a smile. David simply has that effect on me. Moment of tension is gone, and I’m trying my hardest to remain angry at him–and he’s smiling to himself, smugly, with his soft laugh (which I love!).
I’m also grateful for the love I’ve already experienced with David, and I’m excited to see where our future will lead us.
Love is different to each and every one of us. For me, it’s being with David, and all that it entails. I love you baby 🙂
I ponder the question, as I drive away from my job site, wondering what precisely I could have done to prevent from rubbing-wrong the secretary of the school I worked for today. I was polite, respectful, apologetic when I needed to be, and made sure to follow the rules and ask for assistance when need be. And yet, despite all my good intentions, I still managed to anger a rather impatient secretary. I guess you can’t win’em all. But the question still begs…when is eager, too eager? When do I know I’ve crossed the lines of politeness into obnoxiousness?
Let’s face it–there are people who just don’t give a rats behind how respectful and polite you are to them. They blame you for following the rules, and blame you for bending them as well. Today’s incident was just such a case. But I’ve often found that the altogether touted advice “show eagerness and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there!” is just plain bad advice! It may have worked in the eager-beaver days, but in today’s society, that kind of advice will only get your trampled on…hard!
There are some cold hard truth’s I’ve stumbled upon in my travails of work-dom. They are sad, and often frustrating, but they are the axioms (and banes) of all hierarchical work places, and so I break them down in the following:
Truth 1: not everyone in a position of authority is competent enough to be in said position. They’re usually there because they’ve–as I’d like to call–domineered (and yes, that is a word I made up) their way into such a position. In other words, they’re bossy, and so therefore elbowed, shoved, and well…basically stampeded their domineering ways to the top, so to speak. True ability, or competence are completely independent of such a rise in position (although I doubt being a secretary is much of anything, other than big heads, with a penchant for busy work–no offense).
Truth 2: while you may know every stupid rule and policy there is in said organization, and try to implement them in the most feasible and reasonable way possible, do not expect the person of higher power (i.e. secretary) to know such policies in as equal of intricate deatil, or be fair enough to allow you to implement them. Their over-used “well just deal with it!” when you know that is NOT possible is something you just have to, well…deal with. *sigh*
Truth 3: you usually may not have done anything wrong when you approach groucho-to-the-max about a particular policy that was not fulfilled (i.e. in my case, a lesson plan that was no provided for a class that I was subbing for, and thus was ill prepared for what I would be required to cover for the day). Your reasons may be sound and justified, yet you may still run the risk of putting your job on the line for every time you make someone of power aware of the error (despite the policy that MANDATES you report every time such a thing happens, or else you run the risk of being written up–do you see my dilemma here?).
Truth 4: the nicer you are, or the more eager you become, does not translate into well received responses. Happiness annoys bosses. Aloofness, a challenging and knowing stance, and an all around attitude of “I know your shit, don’t mess with mine” is generally accepted and not tread upon by such corrupt people in said positions of power. They’re cowards at heart–they won’t ruffle feathers with someone that can basically kick their proverbial ass. They only mess with the eager weak one’s 😦 *tear*
Truth 5: don’t count on karma to get your boss in hot water. Granted, it may be easier to wait and let them brew their own storm, and essentially dig their own grave. However, if you’re feeling like your very rights are in question, and you’re being trampled on for no good reason, then report them ASAP! Don’t wait for a better time to come, because chances are, they’re preparing their strategy to elbow you out. So beat them to it. If your job situation is so hostile that you can’t simple approach your boss’s boss about the abuse, call for reinforcements–the union! If you have no union, then leave the job and find a better one. I know in an enconomy such as this, a claim like that will render a scoff at best, and a “fuck you!” at worst. I’ll tell you this, though: the stress of constant put-downs, and being chronically abused by an employer simply because they don’t like you is no healthy haven for anyone. It’s simply not worth it. Get a better job. You will find something better. You deserve better.
Does the following look familiar? Poor Dilbert. Poor you!
Yeah. NOT worth it. The cost of being eager…tres sad. But I will discuss this eagerness issue in the next blog. Till then, my beloved peeps!
At the start of this year, I was most worried about the decision I’d have to make with the schools that I thought would accept me. So much fanfare, discussion, and the “Oh God, I just don’t know…what if I get into both schools?! Oh geez…I wouldn’t know what to decide.”
Well, yesterday, the decision was basically made for me. I was–anticlimactically–only admitted to one.
As of Fall of 2011, I will be going for my second Bachelors in Chemistry. A nice compliment to the bachelors I already have in Physics…or so I’m trying to convince myself.
But a gigantic “you failed” is still blaring in my mind. I did not get into the Masters Bioengineering program that I had been pining and praying for. So much for the sacrificial lambs, and ritualistic burning of virgins. (that was supposed to be a joke…really).
Honestly? I’m sad.
And…well, since we’re on the honesty kick here…I don’t even know if my admission standing for my second bach will even remain, if I don’t manage to do amazingly well on my final for my Biochem class.
I suppose I wouldn’t be as worried, if this god awful class that I study for (hours on end, I’d like to add), and still can’t seem to get beyond a failing grade, wasn’t in the way.
But all that stress aside, and the depression I’m beating off with a stick, I have this image in my mind of the kind of life I really want after I finally get through all this mess I call “the residual of my 20’s.” In short, I want a balanced life.
I want to be one of those women that feels in touch with herself, her surroundings, and the people around her, so much so that she exudes peace.
I know…a lofty ambition, but I now know I don’t want to be that in- control, know-it-all anymore. Not sure If I was ever really like that, but it was usually stated by lesser beings (i.e. insecure and rather crappy individuals, that had an ego so large, it was its own singularity).
But I’ve always had this aspiration to take-charge, to know more, do more….to be more, because I just wasn’t doing enough. In essence, I wasn’t enough of a person. Period.
I know now that this attitude needs to change entirely. I want to feel like I’m just enough, and to have an acceptance of myself that reverberates to every other part of my life.
I want every moment of action to feel like a meditative act.
I don’t want to be a fighter anymore. I just want to live.
All this “I won’t give up!” and “I’m gonna kick some ass!” is, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed…the manic trying to gain control of her life.
But is life really supposed to be this hard? Does everything have to be so agonizing, and require so much impossible effort?
Why can’t I just enjoy my life for what it is?
There are some women who seem so content with just knitting sweaters, and writing blogs. It’s amazing to me that such a simple way of living, can bring so much happiness and peace in someone’s life.
But I can’t seem to just do that. I feel my brain is near atrophy when I’m not doing something that pushes my mental abilities to the very brink.
I need challenge! I crave it! I search out for it, hunt it down…or go so far as to create it. It is the unrelenting drive to always do more, because, well…I have to prove it (whatever the hell it is) to myself and to the others around me.
But, I’ve finally come to this conclusion: I don’t want that life anymore. It’s brought me a lot of sadness, and misery. I want to just wake up, get my day started, and just live my life, enjoying the moments, working a job I enjoy, with people I’ve formed close bonds with. It’s more than just achieving anymore…
I want my life to be full of love, tranquility, and balance in every possible way.
I want to enjoy the view for a little while, instead of quickly run past it, without its due acknowledgment.
Yeah, I know life has a lot of responsibilities, and we don’t always have the time to stop and smell the roses…but what are we really living for? What’s life, if it’s not the amalgamation of all the experiences you have throughout your lifetime?
Career will come, yes, and I’m sure I’ll work some job, doing something important, and hopefully thoroughly enjoying it, while being quite good at it (yeah, well, a girl can dream…or at least aspire to).
I want my life to be full and balanced. I want it all, but I don’t mind it being (or coming to me) in measured doses.
In other words, I want the husband (which my stubborn southern will most definitely oblige to), and the family….if that only means one child, I will be happy with that.
I want a career, and hopefully a Phd (DO/MD…who knows) that leads to that career, and I don’t mind taking the time out to get to that point, but at the same time, vacationing…living it up (so to speak), and enjoying my short 100 year existence in the process.
I don’t want to be frantic, or running around, trying to achieve something for the sake of achieving it (did that for too long). The achievement should be in the very being of it. In other words, I do it, I work at it, and it naturally becomes…so to speak.
I want to take better care of my appearance, and not dress in the same old and drab black shirt, jeans, and mussied up afro I call my hair. I want to wear long flowing skirts and dresses, and be feminine….but of course, to ge to that point, I want to also lose weight and BE HEALTHY.
What I’m driving at here is this: I want my balanced life (as opposed to wanting my life balanced–huge distinction here). I want to enjoy my life. I want more good than bad…tip the scales in my favor. And while I’m sure my metaphors aren’t matching here, I at least know that balance does not mean to do good and bad. It just means to live life sensibly, without madness, chaos, or massive dose whoop ass to get through the day. Zen life…with a twist 🙂
My vegan conversion has not exactly been an overnight success. But, the issue at the moment is convenience. While there are certainly more vegan friendly food alternatives to choose from, when you’re out and “aboot” the day, trying to get your errands done, going to class–what have you–the act of stopping for a few moments to fix yourself something to eat that’s both satisfying and healthy is just plain inconvenient. I’m that girl that will quickly get a .99 cent cheeseburger from a local Wendy’s, and scarf it down with a diet coke and half cold fries without a second thought, while I’m driving and applying make-up (yes, I’ve done it–we so cal-ions are talented drivers).
But, I will not hang on to the slew of excuses that I am an expert at creating. I gave myself a year to make the conversion. That is plenty of time. And if I don’t convert in exactly a year, I know it will eventually happen. I just have to stick to it.
My sole reason for this life changing decision was to reap the emotional benefits that vegans preach on a daily basis. But lately, the only emotion I’m feeling is bitterness, and perhaps some depression (I suppose that’s more a state of mind, than an actual bona-fide emotion). I feel like I complain and mope around far more than any healthy and able bodied human should. I’ve already cursed God during my prayers to him (I know, I know…bad Marian!), and I’m trying very hard to push away the bitterness and anger that’s been settling in.
The reality of the situation is that it’s so easy to be happy and content when life is going your way. It’s also very easy to become angry and bitter when things are not. I want so desperately to feel at peace in any situation…when life is exceedingly good, supremely bad, and all the boring and mundane in between. I want to literally smile from the inside out.
In truth, I don’t like the person I become when life isn’t as peachy-keen as I’d like it to be.
I’ve come to grips with a certain truth about myself: I am that person that turns a mountain out of a mole-hill. I over-react. I freak out (literally). I also begin to blame others–my family, my friends, the crappy traffic, the weather, my stubborn southern (i.e. boyfriend), my professors, that crappy TA–to find some sort of relief. But the irony of it all is that I don’t feel any relief. Not the slightest. I feel worst because of it.
I have friends who go through more trying experiences, and still seem to hang on to a healthy attitude. They’re happy the majority of the time despite what may be occurring in their lives. And miracle of all miracles, they don’t blame or take it out on others. Now that’s class. I’m very blessed to have them in my life, because I learn from them…or I try.
Now let me state for the record that I don’t necessarily act on the thoughts I have. I will still be nice to you, but underneath that facade of niceness is a seething undercurrent of anger, resentment, and hurt. And not necessarily because of you…I just learned, through years of mastering the art of repression, to keep it to myself. And yes, it has served me well, but in instances like what I’m going through now, I’m realizing that having these feelings in the first place isn’t much of a virtue, regardless of how I cope with them.
Enter Victoria Moran!
Her name sounded familiar when I was exploring my beloved iPhone app “Be Vegan.” Which, much to my pleasant surprise, was free! Actually, it’s wonderful! (understatement of the century–it’s freaking AWESOME!) Most vegan apps for the iPhone, designed to aid you in your journey to veganism, are essentially free. And they’re FILLED with resources. One of them being video’s that help promote a vegan lifestyle.
“Be Vegan” was promoting a two part interview series with Victoria Moran, discussing and advocating a charmed life of kindness (as the title suggests) that is a natural consequence from living as a vegan.
I find it funny that just minutes prior to stumbling on these videos, I had just prayed to God (more like cursing up a storm, and demanding to know why everything’s been difficult lately–I know, I know—bad Marian!). Feeling dejected and frustrated, I find part 1 of the video (shown below).
I watched it, and I wasn’t sure if it was Victoria’s pleasant and insightful outlook on life, or if it was her pleasing demeanor, but I began to feel…better.
I have a tendency to place impossible demands on myself. I throw myself completely in anything I pursue. And while some may argue that such devotion is a recipe for success, it’s only set me up for disaster. I won’t get into the details (have been masterminding an entire series of blogs devoted to this topic, among others–watch for it! :)), but extremism like what I described can’t last for long. It’s a balanced lifestyle that prevents burn-out, and careful preparation (i.e. intention) that helps you brave any storm that may come around–and they do come!
Victoria Moran’s lifestyle change to become a vegan was not something she imposed on herself by force. And in fact, she honestly stated that it took her 30 years (30 years!) to become a high-raw food vegan (which is exactly what I’m aspiring to).
Victoria never once mentioned willpower, or discipline, or any other–what I consider harsh and forced forces–people tend to impose in their lives. She simply stated that to feel better about your body, and yourself, and to have the “option of choice,” that becoming vegan opens that possibility up for you.
Victoria also mentions a new release coming out in Jan of 2012, called “A Good Karma Diet,” and you better believe that I’m marking my calender!
Now, I know this does not sound in the least bit scientific. And the skeptical scientist in me is cringing at all this, but I’m reading between the lines here (my stubborn southern may beg to differ ;)).
So, as warning to all you realists out there, who feel any talk of spirituality is offensive to your senses, just watch with an open mind. I will make sure to provide more resources in the future.
I’ve taken the liberty to provide the 2nd part of the interview. Enjoy 🙂
Call me MarMar.... 