Tag Archives: Inner Calm

Anger, Balance

Time to trash pretense

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An affront to pretense

I’ve always managed to shackle myself to other people’s expectations. Even at the age of 33, I still fall into my own entrapment when I’m simply trying to gain some semblence of acceptance around my peers. Believe it or not boys and girls, the whole popularity contest bull shit doesn’t end. It just gets a little more subtle as you get older, but the end result is always the same. It’s high school all over again. Ugh…it’s exhausting!

But frankly, I don’t want to to focus too long on the negative aspects of social bureaucracy…it’s annoying, depressing, and not something I want to associate myself with any longer.

I’m sitting here bobbing my head to Drakes , and I start to realize how often I’ve held so much of myself back with the people I thought were friends, all for the sake of pretense. It was more a paralysis than anything I was consciously aware of. As if a part of my personality completely shut down when I was around others. And I never quite fit in, regardless of my efforts.

But I’m listening to music, bobbing my head like an idiot, singing to myself, and I am completely in my own element. Don’t get me wrong…I understand that these private moments to ourselves is something that most people wouldn’t ordinarily share with others. And yes, I understand that who we are alone, and what we portray to others when we’re around them, are two very different persona’s.

But I’m so sick of hiding myself. I’m just over it. It’s been more to my detriment, than anything else. It’s kind of made me miserable, to be honest with you.

This new year’s new mantra is becoming “Fuck Pretense!”

Pretense is the real vice

Let’s see how this year fairs. Last year was full of epiphanies and life changing experiences that I have yet to share on here. I’ve taken a rather long hiatus from blogging, but I’m itching to write a lot more frequently. So much in my head…got relieve that pressure cooker before it all explodes in the worst possible form. Till then…

Life

“You’ve got to pray, just to make it today…”-MC Hammer

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What is it about getting older that just subdues the soul? Everything seems…easier. I’m less clumsy. I’m less frazzled. And while I may let my emotions come to the fore, it doesn’t bring me under.

I’m simply in control.

This incident with my failing exam grade would have normally devastated me. So much work. So much time invested. And then the shocker…I still failed.

But I didn’t let the failure kill my spirit, because in the grand scheme things…I didn’t fail. I only got a low score on that one exam.

I suddenly see the tree, and don’t equate to the entire forest burning down. One tree going down, does not kill an entire forest. One failed exam, will not kill my entire grade.

What a revelation!

I finally get it.

But I must admit…this is much attributed to my new found tension releaser of all time: prayer.

I pray everyday.

I’m stressed, I pray.

I’m worried, I pray.

I’m overwhelmed, I pray.

I see a friend in emotional distress, I pray.

I pray because I’m happy. I pray to chase away the sad days.

And in it all, in the last few months, I noticed a change in my life that I can only say is short of a miracle.

My life blossomed. My attitude changed. And as a result, everything changed.

My boyfriend, whom I will refer to from now on as my Beloved Stubborn Southern seems skeptical. He notices a change, but to him, prayer is as valid an explanation, as death caused by voodoo. I understand his sense of disbelief, but with all of the anguish, and turmoil and emotional upheavals I’ve experienced in my life (the last 30 years of it, I’d like to add), I just can’t ignore all these amazing benefits of prayer.

Who do I pray to, you may ask?

Well, for me, it’s God.

Who do you write to when you address your journal?

Dear Diary? Same concept, different label.

I was deeply spiritual when I was a child, all the way on up to the age of 16. I used to have such a deep love and reverence for God, and I felt that he was as real as my pulse.

I then began my trek through atheism, often feeling miserable and empty. My love for God slowly began to dwindle, until I literally killed any and all emotional ties with the concept, and God just became a distant memory.

But it seemed that by abandoning prayer, I inadvertently cut off my sole source of inner calm and peace.

I began to look outside myself for the solutions, which went on to kill my inner self in the process.

I became skeptical. I questioned everything. I killed the meaning of every moment, dismissed amazing experiences, down played all the wondrous occasions in my life…all for what? Because God didn’t exist.

So many years later, the cost of turning my back on God, and thus myself, had taken its full toll. Those who have known me personally, has seen the effect it has had on me. I don’t care to reiterate. Lets just say, that practically every facet of my life was shutting down…until now.

This really is a topic that deserves several blog posts, but for now, I will conclude with this. I pray to a God, but I’m not sure what or who is out there. I just pray. I wait. I listen, and watch very carefully to whatever hints, clues, help is being sent my way. It has, thus far, led me to a peaceful place in my life. Frenzied, I am, no longer. I am simply calm, and open. Because I pray.