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Balance, Intelligence, Life

Sometimes, you just have to cry it out

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"Crying on the sky" by fish-wings
"Crying on the sky" by fish-wings

Sometimes the anxiety in your life just keeps building and compounding in on itself.  You say to yourself “you’re ok,” or you simply try to ignore the feeling.  But the nature of anxiety doesn’t quite let up that easily.  It’s relentless in its pursuit to make you feel as nervous and as unsure of yourself as possible.

Especially when things are not quite going your way. Despite how hard you work, and regardless of your good intentions or good deeds…good karma just isn’t quite finding its way to you.

When all that just gets to be too much, it only takes a sobbing character on a show like Glee, to get you to sob uncontrollably…snot, and all.

In all honesty, sometimes you really do have to just cry it out. Releasing all that tension, surprisingly enough, feels really good after. You were so tense before all this, then you let the tears pour forth…and you suddenly feel a little lighter. The situation hasn’t changed. You’re still overwhelmed. But, at least you’ve felt some release from the pressure cooker building in your mind.

I think I’ve come to a couple realizations in all this. While I would love to do well with whatever it is I’m working so hard in, I can only do my best…meaning, after that, it’s out of my hands.  Hard work doesn’t always equal to huge success. So, that equation in my life needs to be discarded, and fast.

There’s also no point in succeeding at something, or not succeeding for that matter, if you’re miserable the whole way there. I enjoy what I study, but I’m not necessarily amazing it. I have at tendency to fixate on my performance, rather on the reasons why I went into science in the first place. Is it really about being brilliant? Or perhaps it’s about how curious you are about the world. I’m hungry to know and understand, but that does not necessarily have to correlate to excellence or mastery. I may just well be the slowest in my class, but I am thorough…isn’t that what it’s all about, anyways?

Whatever the case, I suppose I’ll continue to have these crying sessions, until I fully accept my limitations, and embrace my reasons for pursuing science, and my fixating more on my own personal strengths.

But lets get a couple of things straight here…

Truth: I am not the smartest, nor am I the quickest.

BUT, I love to learn, and can be a pretty damn good teacher. I also ask the right questions, and what I lack in mastery and quickness, I make up for in insight and ingenuity. I may never be the best at what I do, but I don’t know of any major discovery that was every really founded by a person who had the highest IQ. Not even Einstein.

So, all in all (as my sorry excuse of an English professor has so exclaimed) tears lead to other things beside release. They lead to acceptance, resolve, and a willingness to move beyond. I suppose that what Zen must feel like. If only temporarily 😉

ADD, Blindness, Contentment, Cure, Cures, Curiosity, Depression, First Love, Fulfillment, Hope, Illness, Inspiration, Intelligence, Learning Disabilities, Life, Love, Mental Blocks, Motivation, MS, Mutiple Sclerosis, Optic Neuritis, Organization, Passion, RRMS, School, Science, Self help, Suicide, Understanding

Give the one up (and the finger) to failure…I’ve got hope, baby!

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"Hold on Hope" by numbpurplehaze

Four letters.

H.O.P.E.

*Disclaimer: Many inappropriate uses of the French language.  You’ve been warned!*

I don’t believe in the easy life.  I don’t think anyone has ever had it easy.

I’m usually the complainer. The one that feels sorry for herself. The one that cries and gets all emotional. The one that stuffs it, and keeps it all to herself, scared–no, petrified–to admit to others how I truly feel, and I pay the price in the end. I can be a whiner.  And while I have been told that I’m an extremely nice and sweet person, I can also the biggest bitch in the room. Irate. Irrational. Mean. Shitty. Just all around nasty person to others that have hurt me.  You wouldn’t guess it just by looking at me. I can also be obnoxious, and strange.  You’ll roll your eyes because I’m scared to go down escalators (fallen down too many stairs to risk falling down one of those). I may come off as needy, and a little desperate.  Sometime I’m pushy, and sometimes I’d just prefer to follow.

One thing that I am NOT, however, is a quitter.

Even now. I almost threw in the towel. I almost just wanted to throw my biochem textbook in the trash, after seeing yet another failed exam grade, and just give up on school.  But I didn’t.  I won’t

I NEVER WILL.

Despite it all.  Despite my strange learning disability that I am still trying to make sense of; despite the fact that I may actually have Multiple Sclerosis, and am just lucky enough it’s manifested in the mildest cognitive symptoms; despite the fact that I’ve been denied admission to graduate school in the past; despite the fact that I  may be failing my biochem class that I spent many, many, MANY hours studying for, and never managed to even score the average on a single exam; despite all THAT, I am going to keep moving forward.

I remember reading a good friends blog (you may want to check it out:  www.mybluescreen.wordpress.com, I’ve taken the liberty of posting one of my favorite blog posts she’s written about this very topic, just hit the <– button at the end of this post), that had a lovely little phrase she’d shout out to whatever obstacle–be it mental block of shitty person that gets in her way– and that phrase was a simple FUCK-IT!

FUCK -IT that if I’m not doing well in my class.

FUCK-IT if I don’t get into the masters program for bioengineering.

FUCK-IT if things don’t quite work out…right this second.

Just like all those songs that are sung by every soulful africana out there…”you ain’t gonna stop me from doin’ my thang…mmm hmm, heallllll naw!” (not the exact words, but you catch my drift)

I have hope.  More specifically, I have faith in myself, in my abilities, in what I’m meant to do, and what my strengths and talents are.  I have faith in my ability to pursue my passion. And fuck-it all to hell, all the opposition, all the insecurity….all of it!  I am done with feeling sorry for myself.

Wipe my tears away. It’s not worth it.  I’ve encountered far worst.  I can handle just about anything (and I should know…oh god, how I know).

I had an entire blog post prepared that I basically deleted (it was a long post too…sorry Angie! The dino’s would have been proud!), but it was just so DEPRESSING! Ugh, I’ll tell you this…I am a master whiner.  Fuck that shit (seriously).

So, tending my wounds, and getting back in the battlefield.  Only this time…will I be the doctor instead? Only time will tell. I know this for certain.  I know, with every fiber of my being, that I will achieve my goals.  I have hope for a better future.  I have hope for a fully realized life.  I have hope for contentment, and peace.  I will always have hope. Always.