I’ve always managed to shackle myself to other people’s expectations. Even at the age of 33, I still fall into my own entrapment when I’m simply trying to gain some semblence of acceptance around my peers. Believe it or not boys and girls, the whole popularity contest bull shit doesn’t end. It just gets a little more subtle as you get older, but the end result is always the same. It’s high school all over again. Ugh…it’s exhausting!
But frankly, I don’t want to to focus too long on the negative aspects of social bureaucracy…it’s annoying, depressing, and not something I want to associate myself with any longer.
I’m sitting here bobbing my head to Drakes , and I start to realize how often I’ve held so much of myself back with the people I thought were friends, all for the sake of pretense. It was more a paralysis than anything I was consciously aware of. As if a part of my personality completely shut down when I was around others. And I never quite fit in, regardless of my efforts.
But I’m listening to music, bobbing my head like an idiot, singing to myself, and I am completely in my own element. Don’t get me wrong…I understand that these private moments to ourselves is something that most people wouldn’t ordinarily share with others. And yes, I understand that who we are alone, and what we portray to others when we’re around them, are two very different persona’s.
But I’m so sick of hiding myself. I’m just over it. It’s been more to my detriment, than anything else. It’s kind of made me miserable, to be honest with you.
This new year’s new mantra is becoming “Fuck Pretense!” Pretense is the real vice
Let’s see how this year fairs. Last year was full of epiphanies and life changing experiences that I have yet to share on here. I’ve taken a rather long hiatus from blogging, but I’m itching to write a lot more frequently. So much in my head…got relieve that pressure cooker before it all explodes in the worst possible form. Till then…
…just take a deep breath and say to yourself “fuck it!” then go on your merry business.
So here’s the kicker–as much as you may say to yourself “oh my God, I have so much shit to do!” you also secretly love how busy and occupied you are. Well, maybe you’re not completely aware of that secret love, but trust me, my friend…it’s there.
You also want to admit to yourself that while it may seem like an overwhelming amount of work you have to do, you always get it done, you get it done on time, and you do it well.
So breath deeply and steadily. All that with isn’t going to grow into a monstrosity (well…you won’t let it) and suffocate you to death. You’re working on getting it done…and so therefore it will be done. End of story 🙂
When I really think about it, I don’t encounter this moment very often, and so the rarity of them make it all the more pronounced.
I’ve come to realize that all this rage and bitterness I’ve been experiencing on and off in the past few years should be seen more as a blessing, and less as a nuisance and huge blockade in my life. It never dawned on me to just channel all this pent up frustration, depression, hurt feelings, trust issues, you name it, into something more creative. Something positive, for a change.
I don’t know what kind of form that would come in, and I unfortunately don’t know how to play guitar or piano to really hone all that in, and start expressing how I actually feel.
I sometimes wonder how others seem to live such relatively peaceful and happy lives. It’s as if they have nothing weighing on them. No thoughts buzzing in their heads, making them hate to face the morning, dread talking to people, fear the reactions of a certain strange psychologist or department heads (long story).
It’s like they go around, feeling…happy! And we’re talking the majority of the time.
Whether they are extremely creative peeps, I can’t really tell you. They certainly seem more grounded and content, and often the very driving force of a creative individual is to eventually reach that state of satiety, after having just expressed one’s idea, emotion, invention even.
Satiety, that’s what it is. I never quite feel full with life. It’s like I’m nibbling on the crappy end pieces–the rotting ones–and trying to savor any sort of flavor, and never feeling the full satisfaction.
I’ve been following Meghan Tonjes on youtube, and she has been such a breath of fresh air! Someone that I can absolutely relate to. She not only sings (BEAUTIFUL VOICE!), but has also dealt with issues of obesity, and discusses the “interesting” responses she gets from people catching a glimpse of her larger figure on youtube.
I personally feel that Megan is, by far, one of the bravest chicks I’ve encountered on the internet (not to mention loaded with talent). She doesn’t seem to let the negative feedback of others over take her life, the way it has mine. Her commentary is full of humor, intelligence, and I absolutely enjoy all the songs she releases on youtube.
Megan has somehow managed to channel all her energy into something so creative and beautiful.
I’ve always rebelled against the crass and insensitive treatment of others, and have found myself miserable trying to combat them, and simply trying to get rid of anything that leaves me inclined to think depressing thoughts has only invited more of it. The very thing I was trying to get rid of in the first place!
I nearly missed the gravy train, so to speak!
I never thought to just take all of that pain and hurt and try to express it in something creative, like music, or writing.
Writing is a double edge sword for me, since I do write plenty in my blog, I find that I don’t feel as much relief or therapeutic effects as I do when I simply sing. And I LOVE to sing. I love that way it makes me feel, the buzzing in my head when I hit that right note, as I’m singing the most beautiful lyric. Nothing compares, and nothing brings me more joy.
I don’t know if I’ll ever release videos the way Megan Tonjes does, but she’s helped me realize that there is a way to deal with all the muck coming at you…sing about it. Write about it. Be creative. Make something that is yours, and that is what I fully intend to do.
I don’ know how to play piano nor guitar, so the next few months are going to be interesting, to say the least. I’ve already started to shopping around for a new guitar, and I’ve got my eye on a Yamaha down at bestbuy. A gorgeous 160 dollar acoustic beauty, including bag, picks strap, extra strings, and of course, the DVD to teach you how to make beautiful music 🙂
I’m also going to invest a good amount of some yet to be had hard earned cash into a state of the art terrain elliptical machine.
I did the gym thing, and well, with gas prices the way they are, and time being most precious and expensive quantity that is most certainly NOT at my disposal, hashing out 1200 dollars for home exercise equipment seems (at least for myself) to be the wiser decision.
And, I’ve taken on the grand project of fixing my sisters old laptop that went caput about 2 years ago. I’m so excited to take it apart, and really see if I can actually fix it!! So exciting! 🙂
This summer is just full for me, and I’m loving it. Truly 🙂
So yay for channeling! This is far better than sitting and moping about my life. I want to have fun, and do something worth while for me! It’s about time!
I ponder the question, as I drive away from my job site, wondering what precisely I could have done to prevent from rubbing-wrong the secretary of the school I worked for today. I was polite, respectful, apologetic when I needed to be, and made sure to follow the rules and ask for assistance when need be. And yet, despite all my good intentions, I still managed to anger a rather impatient secretary. I guess you can’t win’em all. But the question still begs…when is eager, too eager? When do I know I’ve crossed the lines of politeness into obnoxiousness?
Let’s face it–there are people who just don’t give a rats behind how respectful and polite you are to them. They blame you for following the rules, and blame you for bending them as well. Today’s incident was just such a case. But I’ve often found that the altogether touted advice “show eagerness and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there!” is just plain bad advice! It may have worked in the eager-beaver days, but in today’s society, that kind of advice will only get your trampled on…hard!
There are some cold hard truth’s I’ve stumbled upon in my travails of work-dom. They are sad, and often frustrating, but they are the axioms (and banes) of all hierarchical work places, and so I break them down in the following:
Truth 1: not everyone in a position of authority is competent enough to be in said position. They’re usually there because they’ve–as I’d like to call–domineered (and yes, that is a word I made up) their way into such a position. In other words, they’re bossy, and so therefore elbowed, shoved, and well…basically stampeded their domineering ways to the top, so to speak. True ability, or competence are completely independent of such a rise in position (although I doubt being a secretary is much of anything, other than big heads, with a penchant for busy work–no offense).
Truth 2: while you may know every stupid rule and policy there is in said organization, and try to implement them in the most feasible and reasonable way possible, do not expect the person of higher power (i.e. secretary) to know such policies in as equal of intricate deatil, or be fair enough to allow you to implement them. Their over-used “well just deal with it!” when you know that is NOT possible is something you just have to, well…deal with. *sigh*
Truth 3: you usually may not have done anything wrong when you approach groucho-to-the-max about a particular policy that was not fulfilled (i.e. in my case, a lesson plan that was no provided for a class that I was subbing for, and thus was ill prepared for what I would be required to cover for the day). Your reasons may be sound and justified, yet you may still run the risk of putting your job on the line for every time you make someone of power aware of the error (despite the policy that MANDATES you report every time such a thing happens, or else you run the risk of being written up–do you see my dilemma here?).
Truth 4: the nicer you are, or the more eager you become, does not translate into well received responses. Happiness annoys bosses. Aloofness, a challenging and knowing stance, and an all around attitude of “I know your shit, don’t mess with mine” is generally accepted and not tread upon by such corrupt people in said positions of power. They’re cowards at heart–they won’t ruffle feathers with someone that can basically kick their proverbial ass. They only mess with the eager weak one’s 😦 *tear*
Truth 5: don’t count on karma to get your boss in hot water. Granted, it may be easier to wait and let them brew their own storm, and essentially dig their own grave. However, if you’re feeling like your very rights are in question, and you’re being trampled on for no good reason, then report them ASAP! Don’t wait for a better time to come, because chances are, they’re preparing their strategy to elbow you out. So beat them to it. If your job situation is so hostile that you can’t simple approach your boss’s boss about the abuse, call for reinforcements–the union! If you have no union, then leave the job and find a better one. I know in an enconomy such as this, a claim like that will render a scoff at best, and a “fuck you!” at worst. I’ll tell you this, though: the stress of constant put-downs, and being chronically abused by an employer simply because they don’t like you is no healthy haven for anyone. It’s simply not worth it. Get a better job. You will find something better. You deserve better.
Does the following look familiar? Poor Dilbert. Poor you!
Yeah. NOT worth it. The cost of being eager…tres sad. But I will discuss this eagerness issue in the next blog. Till then, my beloved peeps!
At the start of this year, I was most worried about the decision I’d have to make with the schools that I thought would accept me. So much fanfare, discussion, and the “Oh God, I just don’t know…what if I get into both schools?! Oh geez…I wouldn’t know what to decide.”
Well, yesterday, the decision was basically made for me. I was–anticlimactically–only admitted to one.
As of Fall of 2011, I will be going for my second Bachelors in Chemistry. A nice compliment to the bachelors I already have in Physics…or so I’m trying to convince myself.
But a gigantic “you failed” is still blaring in my mind. I did not get into the Masters Bioengineering program that I had been pining and praying for. So much for the sacrificial lambs, and ritualistic burning of virgins. (that was supposed to be a joke…really).
Honestly? I’m sad.
And…well, since we’re on the honesty kick here…I don’t even know if my admission standing for my second bach will even remain, if I don’t manage to do amazingly well on my final for my Biochem class.
I suppose I wouldn’t be as worried, if this god awful class that I study for (hours on end, I’d like to add), and still can’t seem to get beyond a failing grade, wasn’t in the way.
But all that stress aside, and the depression I’m beating off with a stick, I have this image in my mind of the kind of life I really want after I finally get through all this mess I call “the residual of my 20’s.” In short, I want a balanced life.
I want to be one of those women that feels in touch with herself, her surroundings, and the people around her, so much so that she exudes peace.
I know…a lofty ambition, but I now know I don’t want to be that in- control, know-it-all anymore. Not sure If I was ever really like that, but it was usually stated by lesser beings (i.e. insecure and rather crappy individuals, that had an ego so large, it was its own singularity).
But I’ve always had this aspiration to take-charge, to know more, do more….to be more, because I just wasn’t doing enough. In essence, I wasn’t enough of a person. Period.
I know now that this attitude needs to change entirely. I want to feel like I’m just enough, and to have an acceptance of myself that reverberates to every other part of my life.
I want every moment of action to feel like a meditative act.
I don’t want to be a fighter anymore. I just want to live.
All this “I won’t give up!” and “I’m gonna kick some ass!” is, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed…the manic trying to gain control of her life.
But is life really supposed to be this hard? Does everything have to be so agonizing, and require so much impossible effort?
Why can’t I just enjoy my life for what it is?
There are some women who seem so content with just knitting sweaters, and writing blogs. It’s amazing to me that such a simple way of living, can bring so much happiness and peace in someone’s life.
But I can’t seem to just do that. I feel my brain is near atrophy when I’m not doing something that pushes my mental abilities to the very brink.
I need challenge! I crave it! I search out for it, hunt it down…or go so far as to create it. It is the unrelenting drive to always do more, because, well…I have to prove it (whatever the hell it is) to myself and to the others around me.
But, I’ve finally come to this conclusion: I don’t want that life anymore. It’s brought me a lot of sadness, and misery. I want to just wake up, get my day started, and just live my life, enjoying the moments, working a job I enjoy, with people I’ve formed close bonds with. It’s more than just achieving anymore…
I want my life to be full of love, tranquility, and balance in every possible way.
I want to enjoy the view for a little while, instead of quickly run past it, without its due acknowledgment.
Yeah, I know life has a lot of responsibilities, and we don’t always have the time to stop and smell the roses…but what are we really living for? What’s life, if it’s not the amalgamation of all the experiences you have throughout your lifetime?
Career will come, yes, and I’m sure I’ll work some job, doing something important, and hopefully thoroughly enjoying it, while being quite good at it (yeah, well, a girl can dream…or at least aspire to).
I want my life to be full and balanced. I want it all, but I don’t mind it being (or coming to me) in measured doses.
In other words, I want the husband (which my stubborn southern will most definitely oblige to), and the family….if that only means one child, I will be happy with that.
I want a career, and hopefully a Phd (DO/MD…who knows) that leads to that career, and I don’t mind taking the time out to get to that point, but at the same time, vacationing…living it up (so to speak), and enjoying my short 100 year existence in the process.
I don’t want to be frantic, or running around, trying to achieve something for the sake of achieving it (did that for too long). The achievement should be in the very being of it. In other words, I do it, I work at it, and it naturally becomes…so to speak.
I want to take better care of my appearance, and not dress in the same old and drab black shirt, jeans, and mussied up afro I call my hair. I want to wear long flowing skirts and dresses, and be feminine….but of course, to ge to that point, I want to also lose weight and BE HEALTHY.
What I’m driving at here is this: I want my balanced life (as opposed to wanting my life balanced–huge distinction here). I want to enjoy my life. I want more good than bad…tip the scales in my favor. And while I’m sure my metaphors aren’t matching here, I at least know that balance does not mean to do good and bad. It just means to live life sensibly, without madness, chaos, or massive dose whoop ass to get through the day. Zen life…with a twist 🙂
My vegan conversion has not exactly been an overnight success. But, the issue at the moment is convenience. While there are certainly more vegan friendly food alternatives to choose from, when you’re out and “aboot” the day, trying to get your errands done, going to class–what have you–the act of stopping for a few moments to fix yourself something to eat that’s both satisfying and healthy is just plain inconvenient. I’m that girl that will quickly get a .99 cent cheeseburger from a local Wendy’s, and scarf it down with a diet coke and half cold fries without a second thought, while I’m driving and applying make-up (yes, I’ve done it–we so cal-ions are talented drivers).
But, I will not hang on to the slew of excuses that I am an expert at creating. I gave myself a year to make the conversion. That is plenty of time. And if I don’t convert in exactly a year, I know it will eventually happen. I just have to stick to it.
My sole reason for this life changing decision was to reap the emotional benefits that vegans preach on a daily basis. But lately, the only emotion I’m feeling is bitterness, and perhaps some depression (I suppose that’s more a state of mind, than an actual bona-fide emotion). I feel like I complain and mope around far more than any healthy and able bodied human should. I’ve already cursed God during my prayers to him (I know, I know…bad Marian!), and I’m trying very hard to push away the bitterness and anger that’s been settling in.
The reality of the situation is that it’s so easy to be happy and content when life is going your way. It’s also very easy to become angry and bitter when things are not. I want so desperately to feel at peace in any situation…when life is exceedingly good, supremely bad, and all the boring and mundane in between. I want to literally smile from the inside out.
In truth, I don’t like the person I become when life isn’t as peachy-keen as I’d like it to be.
I’ve come to grips with a certain truth about myself: I am that person that turns a mountain out of a mole-hill. I over-react. I freak out (literally). I also begin to blame others–my family, my friends, the crappy traffic, the weather, my stubborn southern (i.e. boyfriend), my professors, that crappy TA–to find some sort of relief. But the irony of it all is that I don’t feel any relief. Not the slightest. I feel worst because of it.
I have friends who go through more trying experiences, and still seem to hang on to a healthy attitude. They’re happy the majority of the time despite what may be occurring in their lives. And miracle of all miracles, they don’t blame or take it out on others. Now that’s class. I’m very blessed to have them in my life, because I learn from them…or I try.
Now let me state for the record that I don’t necessarily act on the thoughts I have. I will still be nice to you, but underneath that facade of niceness is a seething undercurrent of anger, resentment, and hurt. And not necessarily because of you…I just learned, through years of mastering the art of repression, to keep it to myself. And yes, it has served me well, but in instances like what I’m going through now, I’m realizing that having these feelings in the first place isn’t much of a virtue, regardless of how I cope with them.
Enter Victoria Moran!
Her name sounded familiar when I was exploring my beloved iPhone app “Be Vegan.” Which, much to my pleasant surprise, was free! Actually, it’s wonderful! (understatement of the century–it’s freaking AWESOME!) Most vegan apps for the iPhone, designed to aid you in your journey to veganism, are essentially free. And they’re FILLED with resources. One of them being video’s that help promote a vegan lifestyle.
“Be Vegan” was promoting a two part interview series with Victoria Moran, discussing and advocating a charmed life of kindness (as the title suggests) that is a natural consequence from living as a vegan.
I find it funny that just minutes prior to stumbling on these videos, I had just prayed to God (more like cursing up a storm, and demanding to know why everything’s been difficult lately–I know, I know—bad Marian!). Feeling dejected and frustrated, I find part 1 of the video (shown below).
I watched it, and I wasn’t sure if it was Victoria’s pleasant and insightful outlook on life, or if it was her pleasing demeanor, but I began to feel…better.
I have a tendency to place impossible demands on myself. I throw myself completely in anything I pursue. And while some may argue that such devotion is a recipe for success, it’s only set me up for disaster. I won’t get into the details (have been masterminding an entire series of blogs devoted to this topic, among others–watch for it! :)), but extremism like what I described can’t last for long. It’s a balanced lifestyle that prevents burn-out, and careful preparation (i.e. intention) that helps you brave any storm that may come around–and they do come!
Victoria Moran’s lifestyle change to become a vegan was not something she imposed on herself by force. And in fact, she honestly stated that it took her 30 years (30 years!) to become a high-raw food vegan (which is exactly what I’m aspiring to).
Victoria never once mentioned willpower, or discipline, or any other–what I consider harsh and forced forces–people tend to impose in their lives. She simply stated that to feel better about your body, and yourself, and to have the “option of choice,” that becoming vegan opens that possibility up for you.
Victoria also mentions a new release coming out in Jan of 2012, called “A Good Karma Diet,” and you better believe that I’m marking my calender!
Now, I know this does not sound in the least bit scientific. And the skeptical scientist in me is cringing at all this, but I’m reading between the lines here (my stubborn southern may beg to differ ;)).
So, as warning to all you realists out there, who feel any talk of spirituality is offensive to your senses, just watch with an open mind. I will make sure to provide more resources in the future.
I’ve taken the liberty to provide the 2nd part of the interview. Enjoy 🙂
What is it about getting older that just subdues the soul? Everything seems…easier. I’m less clumsy. I’m less frazzled. And while I may let my emotions come to the fore, it doesn’t bring me under.
I’m simply in control.
This incident with my failing exam grade would have normally devastated me. So much work. So much time invested. And then the shocker…I still failed.
But I didn’t let the failure kill my spirit, because in the grand scheme things…I didn’t fail. I only got a low score on that one exam.
I suddenly see the tree, and don’t equate to the entire forest burning down. One tree going down, does not kill an entire forest. One failed exam, will not kill my entire grade.
What a revelation!
I finally get it.
But I must admit…this is much attributed to my new found tension releaser of all time: prayer.
I pray everyday.
I’m stressed, I pray.
I’m worried, I pray.
I’m overwhelmed, I pray.
I see a friend in emotional distress, I pray.
I pray because I’m happy. I pray to chase away the sad days.
And in it all, in the last few months, I noticed a change in my life that I can only say is short of a miracle.
My life blossomed. My attitude changed. And as a result, everything changed.
My boyfriend, whom I will refer to from now on as my Beloved Stubborn Southern seems skeptical. He notices a change, but to him, prayer is as valid an explanation, as death caused by voodoo. I understand his sense of disbelief, but with all of the anguish, and turmoil and emotional upheavals I’ve experienced in my life (the last 30 years of it, I’d like to add), I just can’t ignore all these amazing benefits of prayer.
Who do I pray to, you may ask?
Well, for me, it’s God.
Who do you write to when you address your journal?
Dear Diary? Same concept, different label.
I was deeply spiritual when I was a child, all the way on up to the age of 16. I used to have such a deep love and reverence for God, and I felt that he was as real as my pulse.
I then began my trek through atheism, often feeling miserable and empty. My love for God slowly began to dwindle, until I literally killed any and all emotional ties with the concept, and God just became a distant memory.
But it seemed that by abandoning prayer, I inadvertently cut off my sole source of inner calm and peace.
I began to look outside myself for the solutions, which went on to kill my inner self in the process.
I became skeptical. I questioned everything. I killed the meaning of every moment, dismissed amazing experiences, down played all the wondrous occasions in my life…all for what? Because God didn’t exist.
So many years later, the cost of turning my back on God, and thus myself, had taken its full toll. Those who have known me personally, has seen the effect it has had on me. I don’t care to reiterate. Lets just say, that practically every facet of my life was shutting down…until now.
This really is a topic that deserves several blog posts, but for now, I will conclude with this. I pray to a God, but I’m not sure what or who is out there. I just pray. I wait. I listen, and watch very carefully to whatever hints, clues, help is being sent my way. It has, thus far, led me to a peaceful place in my life. Frenzied, I am, no longer. I am simply calm, and open. Because I pray.
Let me first start with the following: I’m not only freshly pressed (figuratively speaking), but I’m what you would consider a newbie to this vast, and nauseatingly GINORMOUS world of blogging.
No gimmicks here, however. So take heart, my precious (and, I’m sure, only) reader. I will make every effort to make my blogs interesting, informative, and above all…TRUE.
I’ve never been quite too keen with cover-ups, or playing the supposed “social game.”
I dip into the deep end, and I wallow in it…for far too long, I know.
But I can skip and trot across just as briskly.
In other words…predictable, I (unfortunately for my bf, who will soon be my ball and chain) am not.
So, read along. Follow my life. It’s up’s, down’s, family shenanigans, career trevails…in essence, my personal journey, and feel free to add your own two cents on the topic (but do so kindly…thin skinned, I am).
I will cover a lot of terrain, and no topic will be off limits.
But I will try to stick to one (or three) topics at a time. As I’m sure you notice in your own personal journey, life seems to happen in phases. And if you’re OCD (figuratively) like I am, you tend to fixate on one (or 4) particular things in your life. So as a preview, here’s what I will cover:
Losing weight: I am overweight/obese/fat/lard face/what have you. I’ve been so since I was born…until, well…now, or in the near future (law of attraction anyone?) It’s the first topic, because it’s had the most impact on me…naturally.
Vegan Conversion: Yes…I am actually doing it. But I’m not doing the whole kick-the-meat-habit-over-night routine. Oh HELLO NO! I’m older, wiser…and well, I actually want to do this for the rest of my life. Do I care about the animals? Umm…I’ll lie and say yes. In truth, I’m doing it for other reasons…
Mac Conversion: heh…’nough said. Geeky? Yes. Uber? YES. Reasons? Worth its own blog post for sure.
Long Distance Relationships: Yep, I’m in one. Yes, it sucks. I miss him…all the time. But an 8 year friendship turned relationship isn’t something you let go of too easily. But I will be honest…I most likely will not be writing at length about this. Too personal, you may ask? Yes and no. I will say this, however: conflict begets writing (my line…you can quote me :-P), and frankly, with him, there isn’t anything worth writing about, other than lovely (boring) posts about how we resolve conflicts. Do you really want to read that? I didn’t think so 😉
Science: My life revolves around it. Literally. It’s my one aspiration, and inspiration in life. And well…more on that later.
Family: Dysfunctional, but they’re all I’ve got. Sound familiar? Posts riddled with them. Epiphanies, etc.
I’ll run the gamut when it comes to topics, but I will try to maintain a sense of continuity. Hopefully no one will need to jigsaw the peices together to make a coherent picture of my life, but if I can encapsulate my life in that chosen topic for my blog, then I’ve done my job as a amateur blogger looking to express herself 🙂
Call me MarMar.... 
